The failed ideas of Blog Hawk Down

Last term, Blog Hawk Down exploded across the web as a massive viral sensation — one could even call it a pandemic. Though they would be wrong, we won’t take away their right to say it. But it was huge! Well, relatively speaking. Compared to The Gateway’s website. We’re ahead of Fashion Streeters, most of the time. I think.

Due to our “success,” we often get stopped on the street — not for our Gravity Pope boots, but for autographs, photos and people asking us for change, to which we reply, “you just wait for the next Blog Hawk Down, sir! We’ll spark a change in this world. Yes we can!” And sometimes when we get stopped, people like to toss us an idea or two for what we should argue about.

And we’ve decided that — since we can’t please everybody — we would please nobody. So we compiled them all into one single post and didn’t give any idea the proper effort, time or recognition that it may deserve — which they don’t, because a lot of them are pretty stupid.

Light or dark?

Tyler Hein: Is that racist?

Andrew Jeffrey: I think it means beer.

Light or dark… beer?

TH: Light or dark people have different kinds of beer?

AJ: How are you not getting this? When you go to the bar what kind of beer do you drink?

TH: Vodka.

AJ: Well, when I go to the bar I get… Actually, I don’t know what kind of beer the Strat serves.

Oxygen or Carbon Dioxide?

AJ: I remember my formative years spent as a tree. This oxygen bullshit doesn’t even compare.

TH: Man, what if oxygen makes your voice lower and helium brings it back to normal?

AJ: That seems pretty hard to believe.

TH: Yeah. But think about it.

AJ: I just did. It actually seems pretty stupid to believe.

Baseball or Football?

AJ: I know most people like to criticize baseball for being too slow or boring, but I must disagree. It requires a great deal of strategy and intellect, which makes for quite the intriguing game when you notice the managers’ respective game plans. As for its slow pace, that only builds more suspense. The same arguments could be used for football, but I have issues with the long term damaging effects it can have on its players’ lives.

TH: You still watch baseball? I thought that fad died out in the Great Depression of the 1960s when Industrialization brought about the Age of Enlightenment.

AJ: ...What?

TH: And another thing: football is obviously cooler. You don’t see me being pushed around by all those baseball jocks as I silently wish I was as cool as them.

AJ: Do you know anything about sports?

TH: I know of sports.

AJ: Name one you’ve played.

TH: I played soccer.

AJ: That doesn’t count. Everyone played soccer.

TH: YOU PLAYED SOCCER!

AJ: That was my point. You’re getting much lazier with your comebacks.

TH: You’re getting much lazier with your go fuck yourself.

AJ: This is going nowhere.

Is there a God?

AJ: Well, if you think about it, none of us will ever truly know until we die, so it’s kind of a pointless argument. So I’m just going to make the case that I’m God. Because I can.

TH: What? Prove it.

AJ: Disprove it.

TH: Oh. My. Lord.

AJ: Yes?

TH: I’m scared. But another thing: can you believe that oxygen question? Why would anyone ever ask that? God, that was stupid.

AJ: I swear there is a joke here somewhere. Goddamn.

How do blind people dream?

TH: Whoa, that’s brilliant. Like, they can’t see things, so how do they form…

AJ: Nope, not touching that one.

What if you’re crazy? How would you know?

TH: Holy shit, I wouldn’t know! Like, I could never prove I wasn’t…

AJ: Not going to happen.

Would you rather be a Nazi or a pedophile?

TH: Is there a right answer?

AJ: Fuck. No. Never.

TH: You don’t want to write about this?

AJ: I don’t think we can write about this. Legally, anyway.

Why is Andrew so unfunny?

AJ: This is just a silly, unnecessary question.

TH: Dude, I know, right? Finally it’s been asked.

AJ: Did a person actually ask this? I think you put this question in here.

TH: Denial, Andrew. Everyone is saying it. Throw a rock and you’ll hit a funnier blog writer than you.

AJ: Oh, this is happening?

Why is Tyler such a fucking asshole?

TH: “Oh, look at me, I’m Andrew. I want to talk about serious topics in a comedy blog and talk about true love and not let Tyler talk about his dick for a whole article.”

AJ: “Hey guys, I’m Tyler. I always want to talk about pointless topics and never understand the jokes because I’m getting dumber every day. But it doesn’t fucking matter because I’m too apathetic to give a fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.”

TH: What a shock, Andrew is being a sensitive little bitch. Big surprise.

Why doesn’t Tyler go fist himself?

Andrew Jeffrey threw a rock. Tyler Hein suddenly found a new blog partner.

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