Group CommentaryOpinion

Group Commentary: Crazy conspiracy theories that must be communicated

There’s been an oddly large amount of talk coming from our American neighbours to the south lately about politicians and their belief or disbelief in the damage vaccinations can cause children.

Many will hear these complaints and brush them off as the crazy kind of nonsense they probably (or, you know, scientifically) are, but we here at The Gateway aren’t so quick to toss away kooky conspiracy theories. In fact, after being prompted by this conversation on vaccinations, a few staff members decided to share their own conspiracy theories that aren’t getting enough attention due to the liberal media brainwashing the masses to think like sheep.

Kevin Schenk

There’s a lot of hubbub about the fluoridation of water. And while consumers have the right to be concerned about the supposed safeness of something they use everywhere, anti-fluoride experts are often labelled as crazy. They should be, because there’s a much more vile chemical being added to our tap water: chlorine.

Chlorination of water is supposedly done to sanitize it, but isn’t water the purest substance in the world? That’s what we’ve been taught since Grade 3, at least. So it’s obvious that this so-called disinfection is bogus.

Chlorinating water isn’t cheap, so why do we do it? It’s obvious if you think about it, or just skim Wikipedia like I did. Chlorine produces something called bromoform, which impairs functions of the nervous system. We can extrapolate from here to determine that bromoform is literally brainwashing us as we drink it. Who do you think installs the pipes that deliver our water and set up the plants that “clean” it? That’s right, the government. It’s making us complacent as we just sit there, watching gifs on the internet play over and over, as we take yet another sip of chlorinated tap water. Meanwhile, the government passes new laws that infringe on our constitutional rights.

So while you sheeple keep drinking tap water and getting more and more brainwashed, I’ll be taking fresh gulps of North Saskatchewan River water. I’ve been doing it for two weeks and already feel the positive effects; my colon has never been cleaner from all the diarrhea, and my body is exercising itself by making me projectile vomit every hour or so. If more people open their eyes to drinking water the way nature intended it, the state won’t stand a chance.

Kieran Chrysler

You know that “President’s Circle” that’s being built in front of SAB? Yeah, its supposed to be honouring Henry Marshall Tory, the first president of the University and I guess the reason why the school got it’s start. But you know what? It’s totally just the U of A version of the pyramids of Giza. Yeah. It’s an alien landing pad.

Think about it. The circle shape and the raised ridges would totally make a perfect spot for a mid-sized UFO to touch down. There’s even a spot for the aliens to dismount underneath and run indoors to avoid Earth’s inclement weather. Plus it’s in the prime location to start taking over the university buildings one by one. Because where else would they take over in Edmonton. The River Valley? What would that accomplish?

Wake up, sheeple. Indira invited aliens to our front door.

Andrew Jeffrey

No one likes a good conspiracy more than me. They make sad and real issues in life more fun to think about, essentially turning our lives into a game being played by the New World Order on one side and the Illuminati on the other.

But there’s one supposed conspiracy that isn’t given the respect it deserves for truly speaking honestly to all of us. I’m of course talking about the weather.

Don’t know what I mean? Just think about it. Just the other week, the United States east coast was hit with a big enough blizzard to stop a number of flights and keep people trapped where they live. That doesn’t make any sense. How often do you hear about a blizzard in New York?

At the same time, there was a mind-boggling heat wave in Edmonton, allowing Albertans to walk around in shorts and t-shirts, usually unheard of this time of the year.

None of this adds up. The only explanation is that the weather is simply a form of control over the population to keep our minds occupied. Strange weather always dominates not just the news, but our own personal conversations.

This all sounds confusing, naturally. That’s how “THEY” want you to feel. What would the government gain from surprising us with strange weather occurrences to keep us talking? I don’t know, but that’s the point. The distraction worked, and we’re all still left in the dark.

Now just when this random Edmonton heatwave became old news, the usual snow and cold returned, dominating our social media feeds and polluting our conversations. Typical.

Global warming is a lie. It’s just a distraction to stop scientists from researching what’s really important. I hope we one day find out what that is.

Cam Lewis

Bush did 9/11.

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