CityOpinion

Group Commentary: Five simple ways to break a heart

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Whoever told you breaking up is hard to do, lied. Breaking up can be difficult, I suppose, but only if you’re bad at it.

This Valentine’s Day, if you’re looking to sever ties with someone who used to be the most important person in your life, The Gateway staff has some tips about how to navigate this tricky situation as easily as possible.

Adam Pinkoski

It’s hard to take advice on the best ways to break up with someone when the person giving advice has never gone through it themselves.

Fortunately, I have been through the best breakup ever, so the following should be read very carefully.

If you ever find that you’re in a really troubling relationship with someone who you happen to share mutual classes with — because lets face it, there’s literally no one else out there besides the people in your courses — and you need an out there’s only one logical choice: break up with your significant other right before an exam. I’m not talking like a day or two before an exam, I’m talking about sitting down, right before the prof gives the signal for exam conditions, you drop it then.

Here is the rationale behind the brilliance of it: for starters, you get to write the exam in peace, no longer tormented by the thought of having to deal with breaking up afterwards. Unfortunately, the truth bomb will likely ruin any chances of them succeeding in the exam which can go one of two ways. Either they refuse to stay quiet and eventually get kicked out of the class, meaning you never see them again, or they bomb the exam meaning they fail and the curve carries you straight to victory. Either way, it’s looking like a win-win situation.

Once the exam is over, it’s extremely likely that they will be so distraught about both the breakup and how badly they failed the exam, that they won’t be able to confront you about it, especially if you finish in a nice comfortable time and leave the exam early. You might get some hate for proceeding the way you did, but in the long term, you’re the one with the A in the class and a weight off your shoulders.

Kieran Chrysler

Why would you want to go through the pain of knowing that you crushed someone’s self-worth by telling them that you don’t love them anymore? That’s just the worst. You don’t need to make someone feel that bad about themselves. There’s only one way to avoid all of that unnecessary pain. Just fake your own death.

Now, you don’t want to pin your death on someone, because there’s way too much room for fucking that up. You just want to enlist your family and friends to convince your ex-lover that you’re dead. Pretend you went kayaking or hiking on a solo trip to find yourself, then never come back. Tell your family how you went, and give them some fake newspaper clippings to show the dumpee. You don’t even have to take out an ad in a real newspaper because chances are you were dating a millennial and they don’t even know what print journalism is.

Then, rent a hall for your friends and family to stage a funeral and you’re out of the lovers life forever. If you see them on the street, convince them that they’re insane and that you’ve been dead for years.

It’s foolproof.

Kate Black

The best way to break up with someone is by pretending you don’t exist. No, I don’t mean faking your own death. And no, I don’t mean pretending they don’t exist, either. That would be rude. To have the most seamless breakup of your life, I’d recommend acting like you’re straight-up invisible when you’re around them.

If they ask you to hang out via text, send an emoji of leaves or a gust of air in response. Sending only ethereal icons will trick them into thinking that they’re just texting the wind, or a tree, or something. They’ll probably get really frustrated with texting the literal Earth itself and give up eventually.

If that doesn’t work, you’re gonna really have to commit to your invisibility act. Arrange a date with your partner, but don’t do it yourself, silly! Remember, you’re pretending not to exist. Get one of your mutual friends to set it up or wait until you stumble into them in real life, naturally. When you’re at dinner or whatever, continue pretending that you don’t exist when they talk at you. You can close your eyes and take a wee nap. Or, you can try making wind gust sounds with your mouth while staring absently into space — this will give the appearance that the wind is blowing right through you. Your partner will start doubting their sanity and their vague understandings of physics. At some point, this will become far too confusing to deal with and they’ll have no option but to leave you.

Who knows, they’ll probably feel sorry for you. Problem solved.

Andrew Jeffrey

A common value to forget when you’re breaking up with someone is self-respect. Sure, being considerate of other’s feeling is all well and good, but you’ve got to look out for number one.

You should value your own time and how you spend it. Don’t do anything you know you won’t enjoy, like having difficult conversations about your feelings and having “the talk” with someone you break up with. That doesn’t sound enjoyable at all, and you should value your own time well enough avoid it.

The longer you’ve been dating someone, the more relevant this advice is. It’s easy to break things off with someone you don’t care about, but no one wants to have this conversation with someone you’ve been dating long-term.

So take the easy way out and don’t say a word. Don’t even text your significant other that it’s over, that just opens you up to getting a phone call back. Maybe send a telegram or a tweet, expressing your decision.

If you’re sharing a home with this person, you can get out of that too. Just act so terribly that THEY want to break up with YOU. Be kind enough to put the decision in their hands.

That’s life after all. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

Cam Lewis

Murder.

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