Features

Poster Slam 2015

Let’s face it: the posters are the most exciting part of SU elections. We’ve gathered our most opinionated staff members to verbally slay the best and worst of this year’s visual offerings.

President

Navneet Khinda

NAVNEET_2015-3NAVNEET_2015-2NAVNEET_2015-1

CL: This poster is about as interesting as the presidential race.
AJ: It might be the best poster, but that’s a low bar
KC: They’re not really inspiring. They just look like headshots for a modeling agency.
AJ: They look nice, and she’s saying some really general things, like we’ll be bolder and we’ll take the helm and we’ll set a new status quo, which isn’t really saying anything.
KB: I’m kind of underwhelmed. It’s a poster with a lot of nice fonts, but none of the fonts really go together.
KC: I don’t understand why she used different fonts for the same idea. That’s just really confusing and bad design.
AJ: It’s probably a good sign if what you’re criticizing about a poster is the design, and not the ideas. She could have said more, but at the same time, she could have said literally whatever she wants.
KS: It doesn’t say anything about what she wants, but she doesn’t need to anyway. She’s the only one running.
AJ: Navneet Khinda: fuck it
KB: Navneet Khinda: just trust me
KS: Navneet Khinda: the only choice
KB: I don’t know, she could have been way more of an asshole about it, and been like “I’m all you have.”
AJ: It looks like she’s looking towards her bright future in an unopposed race like she knew it was coming.

VP Operations and Finance

Cody Bondarchuk

1.-Food

AJ: It looks like someone snuck up on him.
KB: He knows his angles.
KS: This one is just awful. The white balance is all off and the picture’s really soft. He looks like a baby on it.
AJ: A baby with a neckbeard.
KS: It’s like a baby is about to come talk to you about men’s rights.
KB: Let’s look at his platform points.
KC: Is he going to personally lower food prices across the board?
AJ: A fully stocked grocery aisle in SUBmart is actually a really good idea.
CL: I love groceries.
AJ: And legitimate vegan and gluten-free options is good too.
CL: Oh, vegans? Fuck, no.
AJ: Stop pandering to the vegan vote. Typical SU.
CL: Why would you want to enable vegans?
KB: He focuses on a strong social media presence. So you look at this and think “Oh, whatever, it seems like they do that already,” but sadly they don’t, so I could vote for a VP (OpsFi) that uses social media. I’d be down for that.
CL: He could just tweet MONEY in all caps.
KB: Synergy!
KB: There’s not a whole lot to tear apart about this.
CL: Functional!
KS: Is it really an Ops Fi point to have a strong social media
presence?
AJ: Maybe he’ll just make a bunch of jokes and post GIFs on Twitter
KC: Or pictures of his dog rolling in piles of money.
AJ: I honestly wouldn’t hold it against him if he brought his dog out to win debates.
KB: Why wouldn’t you use Fluffy in the posters? That’s the biggest loss.

Samer Sleiman

PDF-Poster-#2

KS: Honey brown.
KC: It’s like a terrible pickup line you use at the bar to seduce women.
AJ: Hey, ladies. I’m notoriously good.
KB: Did you forget I’m in a frat?
AJ: Instead of saying anything I want to do on the poster, I’m just going to give a really pained smile, a parody of beer and make an uncomfortable joke about my skin colour. Of all the shades of brown though, honey brown is a pretty good one.
KS: Is that a colour on the Pantone scale though?
AJ: His face is saying “I’m just as OK on this campaign as you are.”
CL: He doesn’t have time to get a different shirt because of his successful business he runs.
KC: What is his business?
AJ: He’s not a businessman. He’s a business, man.
AJ: You’re not telling us anything you’re going to do, you’re not telling anyone who you are on these posters.
CL: Hey, at least we know he’s a lighter complexion of brown.
KB: Samer? I don’t even know her! He went to ECHA, which is the most non-alcoholic place in the world.
KS: Yeah, take the photo in Dewey’s.
AJ: Or just take the photo shitfaced.
KB: Notoriously wasted.
AJ: The real problem with the poster is that he just bitched out halfway through. He could’ve gone all the way with the Sleeman thing.
KB: Yeah, go full alcoholic.
KC: If you want to get the frat vote, you need to do a keg stand on your poster.
KS: That is a nice, wrinkled shirt though.
KS: I’m a working class hero. I can relate to the common man.
KB: When you’re an SU exec, no one’s expecting you to be cool. Cool people don’t vote. Just do up your collar one more button, you fucker.
CL: Can’t hold a candle to Cory Hodgson.

VP Academic

Shakiba Azimi

Shakiba-Poster-Landscape-Final---copie(1)

AJ: How can I vote in the SU elections this year for Shakiba? Wherever, whenever.
KB: Shakiba, put on a god damn winter coat, it is cold outside.
KS: Is she wearing two watches?
KC: That’s what I was going to say, she’s got way too much going on on her wrists.
KS: It looks like she took Fahim’s thing and added a bunch of specific ways about how to do them. It just looks like a paragraph of things that she’ll do.
AJ: I just don’t think it looks very good, especially with the italicized text at the bottom.
KS: And the capital F on Facebook. It looks like she made this on Microsoft Word.
AJ: Is that her thing that she’s always wearing yellow? Does that mean she’s a coward?
CL: She’s a duck. I also like how she’s wearing white pants in the snow so she’s a floating torso.
AJ: Did she take this photo before or after Labour Day?
KB: Also, white pants, ladies? Bold move, am I right?
CL: What if she pooped herself? Everyone would know.
KB: I respect that she’s wearing white pants. It takes a very bold lady to do that.
KC: Especially in the slush. She’s very confident and in charge of her body. The white pants say “I’m in control.”
AJ: What do you guys think of the point for a centralized mental health support website?
CL: Like WebMD.
KS: I’m feeling slightly down and I’m not doing well in school. You have cancer.

Fahim Rahman

FR-2015-Horizontal

KB: Do you believe in Fahim?
CL: There’s three of him! There’s three guys that can do the job real good.
CL: He’s like a schizophrenic, like he’s dealing with his dark side.
KB: This is him dealing with mental health in an abstract way. The voices. That’s part of his platform, right?
AJ: It looks like he’s sticking his nose up at the other Fahim, like “what the fuck are you doing here?”
KS: And why is he holding a clipboard? What is this, 1999?
CL: “Develop and support student leaders.” Well he’s spawned himself twice, so he can develop new leaders.
KB: Give birth to further Fahims.
KS: The Fahimening.
KB: He should call them the Rahmen.
AJ: It looks like he ended up with a bunch of white space at the bottom of the poster, so he just thought “Fuck it, just cram a bunch of points in.” “Believe in Fahim” is really catchy though.
KB: I just hate the off-rhyme. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, I hate off-rhymes.
AJ: What would work better?
CL: Cream to Fahim.
AJ: We dream of Fahim
KC: Or just Fahim the dream.
AJ: Beam me up Fahim… to your better academic experience.
KB: I’ll see you in my Fahims.
KC: What if there was a million of him and it would just be
terrifying?
AJ: Fun fact actually, at each forum and debate, it’s a different Fahim. His campaign manager is Fahim, his volunteer coordinator is Fahim, and there’s always two Fahims at every table. Every Fahim is working very hard.
KC: They’re all either smiling or frowning, there is no in between.
KB: I’m going to give birth to more of myself. I’m going to reproduce asexually.
KS: Is that the original Fahim?
AJ: No one knows.
KB: We’ll never know.
KC: Which Fahim is the real Fahim?
AJ: Some say the real Fahim died a year ago in RATT.
KB: He’s a deity, it’s the holy trinity of Fahim.
CL: It’s like the Fighting Polygon Fahim.
CL: Separate, each one is flawed, but when you put them all together, they’re perfect like the Power Rangers when they mix.
AJ: Fahim will form into a Megazord at the Myer Horowitz forum.
CL: Mega-him.
AJ: Believe in Fahim, it’s morphin’ time.
KS: Do you believe in God? No, I believe in Fahim.
AJ: I believe in the one, true Fahim. Not the four imposters though.
KB: Excuse me, sir. Can I have a moment of your time to talk about the good word of Fahim? Even atheists believe in Fahim.

VP External

Dylan Hanwell

Dylan-Hanwell-poster-copy

KC: What the fuck is the background?
KB: Is it a gear?
AJ: It’s a sickle and hammer.
CL: He’s looking like kind of a commie.
KS: “Establish quality standards.” That’s the vaguest thing I’ve ever heard.
KB: This has some pretty big socialist undertones. “Empower student voters.”
KS: At the same time, it looks like an engineering firm.
KB: I get that it’s supposed to be a DH. Does it stand for dick head? I don’t know, I interpret this as a gear. It looks very engineer-y to me.
AJ: Which is good. He’s appealing to the people who won’t vote for him or anyone else.
CL: Engineers are going to look at this and think “It’s a gear! I better vote for him!”
KC: He looks like his campaign slogan should be Dylan Hanwell: Everything’s going to be fine.
AJ: How could you not like Dylan, he’s a Labrador (retriever).
KB: He’s just an agreeable type of dude, and he sells that. Good for you.
CL: He looks like a golden retriever, beautiful.
AJ: He looks unassuming, which isn’t exactly what I want advocating to the government.
CL: I’d do him.
AJ: It’s a good point that establishing quality standards is literally saying nothing. Quality standards of what? It’s literally nothing, what does this apply to?
KB: But just look at that smile. He’s just so nice, I don’t want to say anything bad about him.
KS: He could be brighter, he kind of blends into the background.
AJ: He could be smarter, you’re right.
KS: No, nothing stands out in this poster. There’s nowhere for the eye to go.
AJ: Except his smile. Those are some really white teeth. Everything else is dull so his smile will stand out.
KS: “Empower student voters.” I like the word “empower.”
KB: Or just empower them personally, like send them those UAlberta Compliments saying “You are beautiful. Don’t let that midterm get you down, you beautiful ray of sunshine. Go get them, you sassy bitch.” But only to the student voters. Whatever.
AJ: Dylan Hanwell: whatever.

Blue Knox

Blue-3

KS: Brains, hands, dollars.
CL: I’m going to use my brain and my hands, and I’m going to make money. I’m Blue Knox. Too bad her name’s not Green Knox. Legalize it.
KC: All I can think is “My parents were hippies, please vote for me.”
AJ: I really like the minimalist look of this one. If you had a bunch of these around and then you had a poster that said anything you were going to do otherwise, it’d be better.
CL: It would be sick if she had what Fahim had, and there were five of her, and they were all different colours.
KC: Rainbow Knox.
KB: You didn’t take blue far enough, Blue.
KS: She’s the final gym leader in Pokemon Gold.
KC: It’s just like, what are you doing? What are your goals? What’s her story?
CL: She looks pretty faded.
KB: She’s tired like the rest of us.
AJ: She’s tired of the government’s lies just like the rest of us.
CL: She didn’t utilize Blue’s Clues at all.
KS: Or Fort Knox. Or Knoxville’s Tavern.
CL: Blue comes a-Knox-in’.

Blue-Knox-Week-2-Poster

KB: I like this. I feel like Blue has one of the strongest posters.
KS: I think she has the best designed poster by far.
AJ: Shouldn’t there be a circle with a line through it crossing out the dollar signs? Telling students they’ll pay less.
KS: Well it’s only three dollars.
AJ: Tuition next year: three bucks.
KB: I could get behind that.

VP Student Life

Vivian Kwan

vivian

CL: This is like a combination between a poster for a funeral and a birthday party. Come and celebrate Vivian’s tenth birthday, but she’s also dead because she’s in the clouds. It’s like, come celebrate my stillborn baby.
KS: She looks pretty young already, I don’t think the balloons are helping that. And her body’s kind of merging with the clouds.
CL: Because she’s dead.
KB: Or is she implying that she’s God? Like I’m in heaven already, come join me.
KC: God for Student Life.
KB: Everyone campaigns on communication.
AJ: People always complain about sustainability and communication as buzzwords but the new one this year is everyone this year is talking about mental health.
CL: You could just put #BellLetsTalk on that.
KB: Just be like ‘I’ll talk about mental health, it’s a thing, it exists.’
AJ: I’ll give you balloons if you’re feeling sad.
KB: I’m pretty sure no one’s ever heard of the Peer Support Centre, people should be aware. No.
AJ: Also, the balloon thing is a play off of Up, the Pixar movie, right?
KB: Yeah, she’s sitting on a house? Fuck you, that’s my house.
KS: This poster is representative of the entire elections.
KC: It just exists.
AJ: Vivian’s here and no one really cares.

Parambir Singh

poster-VP-new-2

KB: He’s really good at holding this expression in literally everything he does.
CL: Let me run through this guy’s pamphlet. He says “Hey guys, I’m Parambir,” and on the next page, it says “Feel free to contact me, Paramibr.” How do you spell your name? Let me go a little bit further down, the best thing about this poster is his email is ps3@ualberta.ca. The one good thing about this guy is that he’s PS3, and then his Facebook is a Gmail account.
KC: His eyes on this poster follow me around the room.
KB: It’s like an old painting, he has a classic beauty.
KS: The “vote online” part takes up 10 per cent of the poster.
KB: Fuck the haters, I love Param.
CL: He has no parameters. He just wants people to vote.
KB: I just love his “fuck it, I believe in myself” attitude.
CL: These posters are a disaster. But fuck it, I’m just going to do my thang.
KC: He’s looking into my soul. It’s like he won’t stop staring at me.
KB: He’s excavating the deepest, darkest corners of my being. Good for him.
CL: He’s like that cult leader who just stares at you.
KB: You could just take a swim in those brown eyes.
CL: This is the real honey brown.
KB: He works hard, he’s willing to make eye contact, Vivian has fucking balloons, literally floating. She’s got her head in the clouds, floating along on her balloons.
KC: You’ve got to hand it to this guy, he’s not running his campaign based on gimmicks.
KB: He’s not running it based on promises either.
AJ: It’s weird, the more I talk about Param, the more I’m actually digging his campaign.
KB: He gets it. He knows that if he puts down specific things, he’s not going to get them done. So he just put down “Your voice, your choice.”
CL: All that really matters is this guy made his poster on Microsoft Word and said “Fuck it, this shit’s not about me. It’s about y’all.”

BOG Representative

Azhar Khan

AzharKhanPoster2

KC: He looks like a supervillain.
AJ: It’s totally a supervillain name.
CL: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
AJ: I like how there’s no campaign points, because there’s really not much a BoG Rep can do for you besides just represent you on the board.
CL: Because he doesn’t get paid.
KC: His soul patch is hiding his malicious chin.
KB: I hope he doesn’t go to the Board of Governors in that god damn sweater.
AJ: They’ll never respect you, Azhar.
KB: It’s a nice sweater, but it’s the kind of sweater you wear if you’re a dad. That isn’t the kind of sweater you wear as a student. Stop lying to me.
KS: What do you even put on a poster for the BoG Rep?
AJ: That he’ll do what the president asks him to?
KB: I’ll be pushed around? If you’re running unopposed, you should do what Cory did last year and use your campaign as an opportunity to educate people about what your job actually is, or use this money you’re given from the Students’ Union for something different, I don’t know.
AJ: That’s not really what Navneet did either.

Overall

KB: These posters aren’t funny, they’re just bad.
KS: They’re boring as fuck, just like the elections.
CL: It’s like the Macklemore of posters.
AJ: This is like the Mumford and Sons of elections.
KB: This is the Imagine Dragons of elections.
KC: It’s just really bland.
KB: Nobody really took any risks.
AJ: One of you said one looks like a councillor’s poster, but they really all look like a councillor’s poster, because those posters don’t have promises on them because they’re not a whole lot they can do. But there’s more expectations on what these candidates should tell students they’re doing. The biggest problem with a lot of these posters is they’re not giving voters any confidence that they’re going to accomplish anything or be anything different. It starts with Navneet who’s popular and probably going to do a good job, but doesn’t give voters any confidence in what she’ll really accomplish on her posters, and it spreads to all of the other candidates.

2 Comments

  1. Do you guys hire any funny writers? Damn these people are mean haha. And I don’t get offended easily but what’s the point of bashing posters when you aren’t saying anything funny about it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Related Articles