Arts & CultureFood and Drink

Finer Things: Doritos

There are few truly satisfying things in life—a crackling fire on a cold December night; a mid-afternoon power nap; a good fuck. But there is one ring to rule them all, and that is a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos.

Like a crackling fire, it will keep you warm. Not only will excessive Dorito-eating pack on the pounds—providing extra insulation for those cold lonely nights—it will also leave your apartment scattered with hundreds of chip bags which can double as extra insulation in your winter jacket.

If you eat the entire bag in one sitting—which I recommend—you will likely experience intense fogginess and probably an MSG headache. It’s not quite like a power nap, but it will put you into a food coma that will probably cause at least moderate hallucinations—so almost.

Scientists would argue that food can’t give you an orgasm, but Yahoo answers say otherwise, and I’d like to believe them.

Doritos will make you so happy you’ll want to eat them all the time, and sometimes multiple times per day. If you eat them enough, you won’t be able to perform regular daily functions without them.

Eventually you’ll keep a bag in every room in case of emergencies, and be getting kicked out of class for using that girl’s hood as a chip bowl. But hey, as long as you can take the bag with you, you’re doing great.

People will tell you that money can’t buy happiness, or that the best things in life aren’t things. But those people are just trying to steal your Doritos. Lock the door. Eat Spicy Nacho.

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