A love letter to Canada from Justin

To Canada,

I’ve loved you ever since Dad introduced us when we were young. But now I just don’t know you anymore.

You used to be a leader in the world. You were the voice of reason. I thought you were a country to be admired and envied by everyone else. You gave the world all the Canadian warmth and affection it needed.

But now, ever since you made that limp, lifeless cyborg Stephen Harper Prime Minister, I can’t even recognize what you’ve become. You don’t get along with your friends in the UN anymore and no one listens to you. You now scoff at the various institutions you used to be a part of and everyone hates you for it. All you ever do now is brown-nose other world powers and occasionally whip out your fighter planes so that Prime Minister Harper and his Lego man haircut can show everyone how tough and macho he is. You’ve gone from someone who provides leadership to a loafer on the world stage. That’s not you and I know it. Not even Obama likes you anymore and you used to be such good friends with him. He is heartbroken over the way you are now, what with that obsession Mr. Harper has with oil. God, I can’t believe I used to love you.

But not all is lost. I have no idea why you’ve kept Mr. Harper as Prime Minister for as long as you have because he’s clearly not doing anything good for you. All that can change if you give me a chance in that position right below the Head of State. I’ll be sure to keep my promise to invest in your middle class for as long as I can, unlike all those other guys who’ll pull out their investments as soon as they satisfy their short-term needs.

And don’t get me started on that guy Mulcair. He’ll tell you the same things I’m saying now, but he’s nowhere near as patriotic as I am. You can tell that from comparing our last names. He’ll tell you that it was my party that led you to fall from number one in peacekeeping, but don’t listen to him. He doesn’t love you as much as I do because he’s secretly having an affair with with Quebec. I know because Bill C-51 lets me spy on his office in Outremont, and you wouldn’t believe the things he does in there with Olivia Chow. Talk about Orange Wave. He only loves a part of you whereas I love you as a whole, from your big Rockies to your Great wet Lakes to that great city behind the bushes, Regina. And I must say, your eyes look beautiful behind that niqab.

Make me your Prime Minister and we can have the good old days back. But if you don’t and decide to go for Mulcair, or god forbid Mr. Harper again, then I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t sit back and watch you do this to yourself. It breaks my patriotic heart too much. But you can redeem yourself to me. You still have a chance.

With love,

Justin Trudeau.