Ab SchSingles Awareness Day is approaching, also known as Valentine’s Day, and it’s important to remember that if you’re single it just means that you’re a strong and independent woman who “don’t need a man to make it happen” (words of wisdom brought to you by the Pussycat Dolls).
Valentine’s Day is bullshit. It’s overhyped and it’s not about love, it’s about consumerism. Hallmark and Lindt tell you that yes, money can in fact buy you love. Flower shops provide roses, the symbol of love, and even though they’ll die in a few days, you buy them anyway because your love will never die, right? And in addition to those, if you find a personalized gift that says “I love you more than Kanye West loves Kanye West,” you’re golden.
Regardless of my stance on Feb. 14, lingerie stores, flower shops, and restaurants will continue to shove this commercialized idea of love down your throat. And unfortunately, it makes all those single ladies out there feel less like Beyoncé and more like a vulnerable mess.
Here’s what you need to do: don’t try to boycott the holiday, but also don’t beat yourself up by watching The Notebook and indulging in boxes of heart-shaped chocolates in between sobs. Instead, get yourself the necessities: a bottle of wine or tequila (no judgement), a TV with Netflix and a vibrator.
The key is finding a way to be comfortable with yourself in this state. That doesn’t mean getting all dolled up with red lipstick and curled hair in a LBD and six-inch stilettos just to sit at home. It also doesn’t mean wearing an oversized hoodie and sweat pants that scream “I’M INSECURE.” Find something in the middle; try wearing some silky Victoria’s Secret pajamas, a robe, or going totally nude (this saves time when you bring the vibrator out later).
The next step is grabbing your drink of choice. Some may say this is a problematic coping method, but oh no honey, it’s only problematic if you’re drinking Baby Duck or Pilsner.
Drinking is totally acceptable as long as you keep it classy. I’m talking about a nice Merlot (out of a glass, not the bottle) or a dirty martini (with olives because it’s fancy) if you’re into that sort of thing.
Netflix is your lover for the evening. Don’t even think about clicking on the Romance selection. No girl, you’re stronger than that. Aim for a passionate drama like Cruel Intentions, or something with hunky men like 300 (sorry ladies, Magic Mike isn’t on Netflix).
Casually watch your movie while sipping on your grown-up drink, and if you’re adventurous enough, pull out the vibrator (you multitasker, you). You’ll be having too much fun to worry about why Kelly has a boyfriend and you don’t, you wont have a free hand to check Facebook for your friends’ newest engagement photos that you couldn’t care less about anyway, and you’ll be thinking about all those losers who purchased Valentine’s chocolates for full price when you can get them for 50 per cent off on Feb. 15. You’re welcome.
