Sex Column: Wanna please her? Pop a pearl in that pecker.

Penis pearling is a thing. It’s real, it’s happening and it’s very important you know what it is, because if you’re in a situation where a guy whips out his dick and it has the same aesthetic consistency as corn on the cob, I don’t want you to be alarmed — it’s just a bunch of beads he decided to deck his dick out with for your benefit.

Now you’re probably reading this thinking “What the fuck is she talking about, penis pearling?” Well, Penis pearling, or penis beading, is the trend where men make an incision either on the shaft, under the foreskin or in the scrotum of their penis, and place a plastic bead in that special spot. The purpose of penis pearling is to heighten female stimulation during penetration.

“For it to really stimulate the clitoris, the pearl should be placed at the base of the penis, which never happens,” sex therapist Dr. Almudena Lopez told Vice in an interview. Thus proving once again that the attempt to pleasure females via clitoris has been carelessly tossed out the window into the boulevard of broken dreams.

The pearls come in all sizes and quantities. They can be arranged in an assortment of patterns and are sometimes referred to as “speed bumps.” If you want to get an idea of what that looks like, just make a fist and imagine your knuckles as your dick.

Penis pearling is most commonly found in Cuba and in some parts of the Philippines. So if you’ve never encountered a beaded dick, one day you will. You will because sometime in the future, you’re going to need a vacation. And when you go on that vacation, you better believe that foreign shaft you plan on stuffing yourself with has your mother’s necklace and dad’s anal beads surgically placed right in there.

Chinese traders even took it one step forward and five steps back by inserting rattles into their junk, making their maraca balls perfect for a sexual soundtrack, or to initiate the conga line from your worst nightmares.

Traditionally, men in the military or in prison would have the procedure done with makeshift tools, making their dicks sensitive and creating fresh scabs for several days (hopefully these men practiced self-restraint by not beating off their raw sausages post-procedure).

Side effects could include inflammation, tenderness, redness and infection if the procedure is done by a professional, and the likelihood of tetanus, balanitis and gangrene forming is greater if the procedure is done by an unprofessional (yes, you could end up losing your dick with an infection that’s bad enough).

Although pearling is a procedure most commonly received by men, women can also get them done. Yes, women, you too can cut open your labia to store your sacred family heirlooms. I don’t see much benefit in it other than fulfilling your own sick, twisted fantasies, but fuck it, there are worse things happening out there (like that story about a girl who masturbated with a broom while she was on a chair, and then fell off the chair and died because the broom went right through her).

And on that note, I hope to see more of those precious pearls out there. Hopefully, one day I can encounter enough pearls to harvest, crafting myself a necklace that I can be buried with and illuminating my coffin as a symbolic commentary to “live fast and die young.”

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