Because carrying guns at all times makes the most sense

In the U.S., buying a gun is easier than your friend’s cousin Lexi, and we all know she’ll go home with anyone. And like Lexi, the shiny new Sig Sauer MCX rifle can go home with anyone simply with a quick swipe of a credit card and a bullshit regurgitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. 

So why are people surprised that this fancy new toy found its way into a bad guy’s hands? Omar Mateen, who ironically worked in security and had an Associate of Science Degree in Criminal Justice Technology, legally purchased the rifle and a handgun the week before killing 49 people and injuring 53 others in Orlando. Since the two FBI investigations and the gun shop owner’s phone call to the FBI to report a sketchy individual looking for body armour in his shop didn’t save the victims, it’s imperative that Americans protect themselves.

If Americans believe in any higher power at all, it’s not God, it’s the NRA. And what better way to proudly showcase their beliefs than by thumping around with the second amendment in their back pocket and a firearm on their hip. God bless America.

Fuck the Great Seal — America’s emblem should be a bald eagle with a rifle in each claw. Exercising that right to bear arms is what it means to be American, so it shouldn’t matter who can carry a gun as long as everyone is carrying a gun.

Like Mateen, the victims in the club should have exercised their rights to carry around firearms for any potential self-defense purposes. An assault rifle is the perfect accessory to your dress and heels. A small handgun can fit nicely in your clutch alongside your lipstick and cell phone. It might be a bit awkward to carry, but I’m sure you can still move on the dance floor with your 12-gauge in hand. And I’m equally confident you can manage holding a rum and coke in one hand and an Uzi in the other.

Hospitals, schools, libraries, parks, malls, movie theatres, restaurants and daycares are just a few other places that would appear a lot safer with more guns on the premises. Wouldn’t you feel better about little Tommy getting bullied at school if you tossed a pistol in his backpack with his Hot Wheels lunch kit? Or what about bringing a gun during your Black Friday shopping in case some bitch tries to knock you out  to snatch up the last pair of 60 per cent off Ray-Bans?

Nightclubs, festivals, theme parks, concerts and major sporting events should ditch the pat-downs and mandatory bag checks altogether. Lines will last no time at all if it’s simply assumed that your entry ticket and pistol go hand in hand. In fact, they should give you a complementary, Formation Tour-emblazoned handgun with the purchase of your $300 Beyonce ticket. After all, the ratio of security guards and police officers to fans is not even close to comparable, so you’d be doing them a favour if you took responsibility for the protection of yourself and others by carrying a gun. That ticket may cost an arm and a leg, but your safety is priceless.

President Obama acknowledged that the National Rifle Association won’t prohibit Americans from purchasing guns, whether they’re known to the FBI or not, because each citizen has that right to legally carry a firearm. So if the bad guys have guns, you should too. In fact, all the more reason to carry a gun — or 12.

The only logical conclusion is that everyone should be exercising their rights to bear arms in every circumstance. In the U.S., there’s more guns than people, so use them and don’t hide them. Every public place should be crammed with more firearms than people because nothing makes you feel safer than seeing dozens of loaded weapons around you — for protection, of course. Make America a safe place again, one gun at a time.