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Top 10 Things starting with “mon-“

  1. The two cheapest properties in Monopoly

This game is like training wheels for little capitalist children. Besides learning how to covertly screw over your peers without feeling bad, anyone who played Monopoly growing up also knows how to psychologically handle the high number of unexpected costs that come with adult life.

Protip: If you want to win Monopoly, buy the two first properties after “Go.” Everyone thinks they’re worthless, but we’re smarter than that. Put low-cost houses and hotels on them — not so worthless anymore. Reap profits. Know that you built something from nothing.

monopolyWikipedia User James Petts
  1. Mongolia

Mongolia doesn’t really have fences anywhere because the rural people are herders and move around a bunch. There’s only one big city so it’s pretty hard to mess up your travel itinerary. The alcohol is made from horse milk. You barter all transactions. Back in the day, the people pillaged on horseback and invented a comprehensive mail system. Do you like Canada Post? Thank the Mongolians. Don’t like Canada Post’s tendency to go on strike? The Mongolians probably wouldn’t have tolerated pesky labour union antics either. Fuck you, Canada Post.

mongolia_horseWikipedia User PDTillman
  1. March Against Monsanto

This activist group has capitalized on its ability to influence a mystified, largely urbanized public that doesn’t understand rural life, the agricultural industry, and genetics.

march_against_monsantoWikipedia User Rosalee Yagihara
  1. Montel William’s “Green Smoothie”

There are lots of celebrity smoothies out there, but the one I have the most respect for is the brainchild of 90s television talk show host Montel Williams. Not because of the flavour — I’ve never tasted it (I don’t dare) —  but because of the creative process behind it. Known simply as the “Green Smoothie,” Montel’s creation is composed of a fuckton of spinach and a bit of cubed watermelon, pineapple chunks, green apple slices, blueberries, and coconut water.

To fully understand how the “Green Smoothie” works, I watched a YouTube clip of a Rachael Ray segment, where Montel revealed his culinary wizardry.

“Watch this, you can stealth in vegetables into any smoothie you make,” Montel says.

“Absolutely,” Rachel Ray replies, in that I’m-a-TV-show-host-so-I-am-obligated-to-agree voice.

As he loads the blender, Montel spills the spinach all over the floor. A minute later, he adds the pineapple, juices dribbling down the sides of the blender. He states that he is very messy in the kitchen. As Rachel Ray wipes up the mess her guest has made, he addresses the crowd to distract them from his multiple blunders.

“Get your kids in the kitchen with you!” Montel says. The audience, mostly middle-aged white women dressed in what appears to be clothing from Sears or The Bay, clap loudly, almost violently, as their parenting philosophies are confirmed by a TV celebrity.

Montel switches the blender on. As the fruits are atomized, I cannot believe my eyes. The “Green Smoothie” is a pale brown, the colour of chocolate milk. Montel pours a glass for Rachael Ray, who takes a sip. “Oh, delicious … It just tastes like fruit,” she says, but the disgust on her face is visible even in this 360p video. After two sips of “Green Smoothie,” Rachael Ray’s hand darts for her coffee cup in what I assume is a move for gustatory damage control.

This disgusting smoothie stealthed its way into a commentary on 21st century parenting while simultaneously offending a TV show host who struggled to keep her composure. I can’t not respect it.

  1. Monastic life

It’s not for everyone but if you’re Christian and you like bees, books, chastity, and wearing robes, this may be an appropriate choice.

monastic_life

  1. The romanticization of Monachoides vicinus

There are these hermaphroditic land snails that live in Slavic Europe that launch “love darts” at each other during copulation. While these darts rip into the tissues of a snail and increase the risk of infection and parasitic entry, they are still given the label of “love,” as if there is some sort of romantic interaction going on. But the snail doesn’t have the capacity to feel love because it is a snail. Really, it’s probably going to get a disease and die. The good thing here is that while the snail can’t feel love, maybe it can’t feel pain either.

 

  1. Disease monitoring

Diseases are pretty bad. Some organizations like the Centers for Disease Control and the World Health Organization monitor diseases to make sure that they don’t spread to wealthy, first-world countries. As someone who lives in Canada, which is a first-world country, I see this as a generally positive thing.

cdc_atlantaWikipedia User Nrbelex
  1. Complaining about Monday to anyone

Small talk has never been easy for me, so I have to maintain a mental Rolodex of topics that I can bring up with just about anyone. On Mondays, the go-to topic is how much Monday sucks.

I actually don’t have anything against Mondays, but if I answer “How are you today?” with a comment about how it’s Monday, my interrogator usually is amused because they can relate. It’s a good technique to fend off clothing store workers who seem to be very concerned if I need help. It happens in every clothing store. I have nothing against the employees, I know they have a job to do, but it’s exhausting to have to talk to these people. I’m focused on trying to find a shirt or whatever, trying to concentrate on colour schemes, sizing, etc, and then all of a sudden I have to look up and talk to this person who I do not need help from. If they ask how I am, I can just say “Good,” but that’s awkward so I’d rather go for something a bit better like “Good, for a Monday,” while kind of laughing but it’s a fake laugh because I don’t think this is actually funny.

That’s an extreme example but complaining about Monday also works with family and friends, just don’t overdo it or you’ll look like an ass.

  1. Any Halo montage ever

Ever since the release of Bungie Inc’s “Halo,” there have been Halo montages. And while these Windows Movie Maker montages are stereotypically characterized by Linkin Park’s “What I’ve Done,” you’ll be surprised to find quite a bit of acoustic diversity. For example, one montage featuring a lot of “sick FFA clips and snipes” is paired with a piece by Angels & Airwaves. You’ll find other montages that use selections from Hinder, Panic! At The Disco, Eve 6, Muse, Imagine Dragons, Audioslave, and “YouTube’s Free Songs To Use” channel. Beautiful.

  1. Save on Foods’ Employee of the Month Program

As a weekly grocery shopper at Save on Foods, I’ve observed a new commitment to excellence by creating a strange, inter-grocer competition that rewards the best apple-stacker with a framed portrait near the store entrance. I’m okay with this because every time I walk into a Save on Foods, I know who the best employee is — I like this because I have learned in my time at the university that transparency and accountability are good things. And while I’m sure a pay raise is sufficient to encourage hard work, this Employee of the Month thing is cheaper. And, since the photo of the monthly star employee is displayed before other, lesser employees, they will be encouraged to work harder. This management style is a bit weird and egotistical, but I guess it works because the stocking and service at Save on Foods is always very good.

save onSupplied

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