MagazineSeptember

School success = no sex

Mmmm, do you smell that in the air? Smells like another academic year burning your brightest aspirations. Being back in school can sure be tough, but luckily for you, I have discovered the secret to success, which I’d like to share with you all: this year, reach your full potential by taking a vow of celibacy.

By accepting a vow of celibacy — and I mean zero sexual activity with yourself or others — not only will you be conquering the very core of human nature, but you will conquer the classroom with the dexterity of one thousand sous chefs, and here’s why.

Time Management

How much time do you spend pulling your pork or flicking the bean? How often do you think about sex? Like any normal twenty-something-year-old, I’m assuming every second of every day. But, by expelling any sex-related activity from your life, you would find that you actually have a fuckload of free time. And do you know what’s time well spent? Learning how to make a pie chart on Excel. Sourcing your research paper properly. These are the things that make a person an above average student.

So stop yourself the next time you watch porn because every minute spent nurturing your old, dirty habits is a minute spent spitting in the face of your future. Stop going to parties and bars because you’re not going home with anyone and you’re just going to wake up in the morning vomiting and alone. Stop having conversations with people because you don’t want to listen to their toxic sex lives, and you won’t have one to talk about in response. So without porn, partying or talking to people, you have successfully cleared your calendar for a solid year of knowledge. Score.

Self-Discipline

The colossal lack of self-discipline that inhabits this generation is another unfortunate quality which handicaps our GPAs. Celibacy is the perfect life choice to train your mind for anything that will come your way. What’s harder: getting a scholarship or being celibate? If you can refrain from being romantically touched for the duration of a school year, I’m certain you can write an essay on where you see yourself in 10 years (celibate and thriving). When you look at the assigned readings which amount to half of a textbook, no longer will you shudder with agony and despair. You have combatted life’s perversions — the worst is over. You are a strong, independent scholar who don’t need no study breaks. Study breaks are for sluts.

You will go to heaven

Why would you be a motivated student if you knew you were going to hell? By practicing celibacy, you can attend your convocation as a child of God and really, what more could you want?

I know I’m asking a lot from you — celibacy is not an easy thing — but to think, if you abstain from sex, you could graduate and land the job of your dreams! You excel in time management, self-discipline and holiness — who wouldn’t hire you?

Some celibates masturbate and though I don’t recommend it (it could potentially destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for while inviting temptation into your life), don’t beat yourself up too badly if you do. As the brilliant Yahoo! answer user: MNL_1221 says regarding masturbating while celibate:

”If you plug an extension cord into itself it doesn’t go anywhere or do anything…If you plug an extension cord into a socket or into another extension cord, you have a connection and the possibility for electricity.”

So there you have it my wonderful extension cords. Just refrain from plugging yourselves into one another and watch your GPA soar higher than any erection ever could.

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