Sam Podgurny As finals season continues to barrel along, it’s important to remember that our university tests are only one part of the greater fabric of tests found in our society and culture. Sure, right now you might be looking at testing as something terrible and unpleasant — and I can’t blame you, the final exam is a form of test that gives a bad name to the category as whole. But I assure you, there are others deserving of your love and appreciation, and I urge you to embrace them now more than ever during this time of test stress and anxiety. Here is my list of the top 10 tests out there.
10. Turing test
What’s not to like about a test that can check if the laptop you regularly use and abuse is actually alive? Perhaps one day we will all bow down to sentient robot overlords (if you’re reading this computer, I will do so without struggle, so please don’t pull a Westworld me) but until then, this little Q&A quiz makes for a great party game. Find out which of your friends is actually just a cold, mechanical being that’s been hiding among us, and schedule them for “retirement.”
9. Mr. Goldenfold’s high school math test
Morty doesn’t know how good he’s got it with this math quiz. Try keeping your mind off of whatever “little Morties” are swirling around in your head when you’re 80 questions deep and are still less than halfway through your final. If I were in his place I’d be saying WUBALUBADUBDUB! about the test, not Jessica’s chest.
8. Alberta Class 5 Advanced GDL Exit Road Test
For the love of God, you’ve been eligible to take this damn test since you turned 18. The notice has been sitting in your room for two years! You already have your licence, what’s the big deal?
I know it’s expensive, but you know what else is? Having to un-impound the car after getting a DUI from three sips of a peach Bellini.
What do you mean you can’t parallel park?
Fuck it, I’m booking it for you.
7. A guy named Rusty doing a microphone check for his friend’s local “core” band
Rusty is a friend of the band — he’s their “boy.” Before he heads over to the merch table, where he will spend the remainder of the night selling t-shirts and split EPs while trying to pick up 14 year olds, he’s up on stage testing the mics. Wait, there is no stage, this show’s in some kid’s parents’ basement. Holy shit. RUSTY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE FEEDBACK! My ears are bleeding. Oh, that’s the name of the band? “Check. Check 1, 2. BLEGHHHHH! You guys ready to party tonight?!?!” No Rusty. Not anymore.
6. Adding the suffix -est to a word that ends in “t”
According to Dictionary.com -est forms “the superlative degree of adjectives and adverbs.” When combined with words that already end in the letter “t” you get some good shit. That’s the CUTEST pupper ever!, for example. It’s the English language equivalent of a tall half sweet soy no-whip cinnamon dolce latte, and brand new pair of Uggs. It’s basic talk for how hella good or extreme something is, but I’ll be damned if you don’t agree the words don’t taste and feel better coming out of your mouth now that they have “test” in them.
5. When Neo tries to jump from that one building to the other one
The Matrix Wiki says this test allows those who took the red pill to “explore their ability to manipulate certain parameters of physics (rules) within the Matrix.” But according to YouTube poster frostysnowbro, it’s more than this, it’s “a good way to look at life.”
Neo has to overcome his fears, his disbelief, and all of his preconceptions of what is physically possible in order to pass this test. The Jump Program represents a way of thinking that encourages risk-taking, self-assurance, and perseverance in the face of the unknown, and proves that even if we think we will splat onto the pavement when we fall, we will in fact not die, but bounce back stronger for trying. But as Morpheus says, “I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it.”
Morpheus believes Neo is the one. I believe we can all be the one— once we choose to “let it all go.”
4. Simulating crash tests in slow motion
For the reasonable price of $27.99 you can experience all the joys and primal satisfactions that come with watching physics fuck the shit out of an automobile, from the comfort of your arm chair. According to Steam:
BeamNG.drive is a realistic, immersive driving game offering near-limitless possibilities. Our soft-body physics engine simulates every component of a vehicle in real time, resulting in realistic, dynamic behaviour. The driving feel is authentic and visceral, and crashes are realistic and violent; yet the physics are accessible enough to drive with a keyboard or gamepad while still being authentic with a full racing wheel with uncompromising realism.
If you’re that person who’s still shying away from the number eight test on this list, consider this game a test for that test — woah, test-ception. You can practice your parallel parking while simultaneously experiencing what it might look like should a dump truck, travelling 100 mph, t-bone you while trying. I guarantee a simple park job in residential Edmonton will be easier once you’ve assessed the damage over and over again in slow motion.
3. Testing someone’s blood to make sure they’re not “The Thing”
Ever been stranded inside a compound in the Arctic with a group of people but are unsure if one (or a number) of them are actually a shape-shifting hell-beast from another planet? Well, now that I’m sharing this test with you, you can rest assured that you won’t need Kurt Russell around to kick some alien ass should the situation arise.
What you’ll need: Petri dishes, some copper wire, a flame thrower, chairs, rope, labels, blood samples, Kurt Russell (optional)
Directions:
- Tie up suspect persons to chairs using rope
- Collect blood samples from each individual and place them into labelled petri dishes
- Heat tip of copper wire using flame thrower
- Dip the red-hot wire into blood samples, one at a time
- Observe for abnormalities, including: blood jumping, squeeling, splashing when touched by heat
- Turn flamethrower on person who has tested positive for being “The Thing” (Pro tip: Remain wary of hostile reaction by the alien)
- Light that bitch up
- (Optional) High five Kurt Russell
2. Giving a testimony
Now, I’ve never actually had to do this, but I have watched a pretty significant amount of Law and Order: SVU, so I think I get the gist. Whether before a court of law, or at home as you vouch for your sibling’s innocence to your parents, nothing tests moral fibre like testifying. Oh shit, this is a double test, a moral test. Nice. No one truly knows the truth about what you have seen, heard, think, or feel, and therefore it is up to you to accurately and truthfully share this information with the world. Honestly, integrity, and self-actualization are all things that can be found in testimony. Powerful stuff. A test that allows you to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is one worth celebrating.
1. Atomic weapons tests
Let’s get real. This is the big kahuna of tests. Both utterly terrifying and uniquely fascinating, it’s impossible to look away from the gargantuan destruction and awe-inspiring visuals that a shock wave emanating from a nuclear blast and the trailing mushroom cloud inspires. As I was “researching” this, I was unsurprised by the number of dedicated YouTube channels and videos I found on the subject. What I was surprised at however, was the sensation I felt watching some of these clips. I remember being a young kid thinking this kind of thing was cool AF — a magnificent display of humanity’s ability to make things go BOOM. But now, it scared the shit out of me. I don’t know if I’m just getting older and more weary of my own inevitable demise, or if it’s just a 2016 thing (probably the latter), but man oh man was watching this stuff sobering. I’ll tell you what, after a couple of these test videos, all those university exam woes will feel a whole lot less important. The atomic weapons test is truly is the greatest test of all.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIl8puLhFlc
Great read. Funny, smart, and interesting. Made me laugh out loud!