Ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos): Moist, puppies, and porn

Where can you turn when life throws a wrench in your best laid plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos).

He’s 29 (but he’ll tell you he’s 30), and he left a career as a ticketed automotive service technician to study English and Philosophy at the U of A. Just like you, Jonah doesn’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, and has never held a steady relationship for more than a year. But he does own his own house, rides motorcycles, and is 4-0 as an amateur boxer. So, if you need advice from a guy who claims to have “seen Fight Club close to 50 times,” and has a tattoo of Curious George holding a banana, all you have to do is ask Jonah.

How do you feel about the word “moist”?

Moist is a good indicator that the chocolate cake you’ve been baking will be tasty. Moist is also a good indicator you’re doing it right when fooling around with a lady friend. I like the word “moist.”

Would you rather shoot 20 puppies or saw off your mother’s legs?

If I shoot 20 puppies, I couldn’t handle the fallout if the internet found out. The internet is an unrelenting social justice superpower: 4Chan’ers would be spamming my e-mail inbox with bestiality porn; Anonymous would declare cyber war and release the embarrassing songs I’ve downloaded on iTunes; and my face would become a stock photo for meme production.

I don’t want to lose any of my Twitter followers, so I’m sawing off mum’s legs. Mum will still be mum with or without her legs. I’ll still love her and, eventually, she’ll begin to love me back again. Granted, without her legs mum might have some difficulty reaching the salt and pepper shakers on top of the stove, and mum will never be able to switch the spray pattern on the adjustable shower head again. I can always get her fitted with a pair of titanium legs like Lieutenant Dan at the end of the film Forest Gump.

Would you rather be stuck in a room forced to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakquel on repeat or a porno involving your parents once?

This is important: is this before or after I have sawed off my mum’s legs?

Regardless, I think I’m choosing to watch a porno involving my parents once. My parents divorced when I was a little kid, so I never had the seminal moment of walking in on mum and dad “doing it,” which I think every child should experience once.

However, I did walk in on my mum and stepdad as things were getting a little moist. At the time I was old enough to understand what foreplay was and what acts of foreplay might entail. Thankfully, I only saw a few patches of exposed skin when I came bursting into the master bedroom. I wanted to order a pizza, and my enthusiasm for pizza caused me to forget to knock.

After I walked in on my mum and stepdad getting moist, fast forward about eight or nine years. I heard dad screw one of his (ex)girlfriends. I was living with dad at the time and I was about to move into my own house. The papers were signed, the mortgage was in place, and I was waiting for my possession date to arrive. I was down to the last few official nights of living at home.

It was a weeknight and I was still working full-time, so I was in bed like a good proletariat. I heard dad and his (ex)girlfriend come bursting into the house. The bathroom was directly across the hall from my bedroom. I heard the shower begin to run and some suspicious noises emanating from the bathroom. The shower stopped, I heard the pitter patter of feet, and the door to dad’s bedroom closed. Next came the rhythmic squeak of his bed frame. I guess there’s no escaping parental porn or the chipmunk squeak the furniture makes when people bang.

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