Sam PodgurnyYou woke up this morning and thought “well great.” Another semester ready to begin, but this time it’s dumping snow all over the damn place and my car starter is broken. A student could really get off to a rocky start if they’re not careful, and that’s why I’ve compiled a couple sure-fire ways to make sure you have a good first day back to school.
1. Eat an everything bagel
Your new year’s resolution to eat less carbs and be less fat will have to wait another day. Nothing is going to warm you up quicker than seven slices worth of bread packed into one poppy seed and onion covered ring of dough. Toasted to crunchy, crispy perfection with some Philly cream cheese, it’s a savoury treat that will have your savouring your Monday rather than resenting it. Head over to Timmies, Bon Ton, Cobs, or any other baked goods shop, pick up one (or half-a-dozen) of these bad bitches and munch today away guilt free. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, fuck it. Your success depends on it.
2. Listen to “Bad and Boujee” on repeat
There’s only one song you need to include on your back-to-the-grind playlist, and that’s “Bad and Boujee” by the Atlanta rap group Migos. If you’re like the confused celebrity spectators at last night’s Golden Globes, who had no clue WTF Donald Glover was talking about when he shouted out Migos for making “the best song ever” during his Atlanta acceptance speech, educate yourselves and give the track a listen (and then listen again, and again, and again). When you do, you’ll be dancing like Jake Gyllenhall to all your classes today, guaranteed.
3. Wear a toque
There are a couple of key benefits to wearing a toque today, and all of them will ensure you aren’t pissed off when you finally get back into your bed tonight. One, you lose most of your body heat through your head. Maybe you think you’re a tough guy or girl on the outside who can handle the bitter wind chill, but inside you’re a wimp who just wants to be cozy. We all know being cold sucks, put on the hat. Two, we were all way too lazy leading up to today and obviously did not get our shit together what-so-ever. This means we didn’t shower last night and have hair that’s greasy AF. Avoid being judged by your peers on day one. Wear that cool toque you got for Christmas to make a good first impression and not an “is that kid’s hair wet or just gross?” one.
4. Use a new emoji
New year, new emoji. Let’s face it, after a full fall semester and winter break, our emoji games are getting stale. We get it, the goat emoji was lit in November, but guess what? It’s January now, that joke is washed up. Find a new way to represent your general disgust, apathy, or disdain for today with a new emoji. Maybe the coffin? 
Ya, that’ll do.
5. Learn Oscar Isaac’s dance from Ex Machina
This is definitely the most ambitious item on the list, but by far would be the most effective at making today an overwhelming success. Ex Machina‘s dance scene stands out as one of the finest choreographed sequences in recent film memory (step aside La La Land). Oscar Isaac sells this outrageous scene in a not-outrageous-whatsoever movie to a T. His 110 per cent commitment is beyond commendable, and is something we should all strive to achieve on this unholy day-of-days. Be productive in a fun way, and tear up the fucking dance floor before your first day back tears you up instead.
