JanuaryMagazine

Shit we want in Lister instead of a new meal plan

Lister is going through some shit this year *cough* *ARAMARK* *exasperated wheeze* *pays five grand* *DIES*. In these difficult times, we thought of some additions that could be added to Lister that would bring back hope.


PUPPIES

Coming from someone who once owned a dog for three months, puppy therapy is highly underrated. “Puppy Playtime” in Lister’s Tuckey Gym was by far the happiest I have ever seen most stressed, res-inhabiting students in months. I propose making every day puppy playtime. They’re gentle, they’re sweet, and they’re more positive than your crying floormates. Imagine coming home from a stressful day of classes to your floor’s designated little fluffy pup who has (probably) never been more excited to see anyone else, ever. Allergic? No problem – hypoallergenic cohorts. Step aside, alcohol-free floors, you’re unnecessary when it’s doggo time all the time.

Puppies don’t judge. Puppies just love you unconditionally – and we could all use a little more love.

–Michaela Friedland


BALL PIT

During exam time, Lister becomes a buzzing, festering cesspool of stress. A trip to the Marina is a parade of sweatpants, messy buns, and the smell of dreams being destroyed. Students can be seen weeping in stairwells, chugging lattes at unhealthy rates, and sweating profusely while reciting formulas.

How can we avoid an entire residence building of students losing their shit every December?

Put in a ball pit.

Nothing promotes a carefree attitude better than a room full of colourful balls that you can bury yourself in when life gets hard. Fearing failure? A day spent swimming in the ball pit will cheer you up right away. Parents disappointed in you? You don’t have to answer their calls in the ball pit! Feeling isolated by your own stress? There’s no better place to make friends than the ball pit.

Everything is ok in the ball pit.

–Emma Jones


YOGURT MACHINE

The words “food” and “university” usually evoke unsavoury memories of too much kraft dinner and pizza, but with the addition of a fro-yo machine to The Mar, all of that could change. Too many days have gone by without a compromise between ice cream and yogurt, and honestly, if there’s room for a six-foot-tall orange juicer then there’s definitely room for a few flavours and a toppings bar. Along with being a little more aesthetically pleasing than it’s frozen treat counterparts, frozen yogurt has the power to make us think we’re eating healthy no matter how many layers of sour patch kids are on top.

–Cleo Williams


‘MEMBER THE SILVER CITY DRAGON?

In these terrifying times of the alt-right, memes that don’t die, leadership colleges and being low-key bullied into paying $5,000 for some sub-par cafeteria food (nice try U of A bureaucrats, you jackasses), Listerites are on the cusp of a rebellion. We demand a familiar friend from better times. Anyone who got to experience the iconic Silver City dragon from West Ed knows what I’m getting at. It’s comforting fireball, every hour, on the hour gave Edmonton a sense of hope. Bring that hope back to Lister. After every semester, students will purge their notes, sacrificing them to the great burn of the dragon. Because nothing says fuck your meal plan more than students sacrificing their semesters notes to an animatronic dragon.

– Jon Zilinski

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