Uncle Grandpa’s guide to joining a gang

  • If you’re on the hunt for cash that’ll flow like chemicals in the Athabasca, here’s your chance to take a step back and rethink your life decisions. Take everything you know about getting stacks and throw it out the barndoor because weaselling your way into a gang is easier than getting the old woman to like you again after you blew her mother’s nursing home rent on Lobster Mania at the Allendale Pub.

    Don’t worry about coming across as a cop. No group of gang members is that paranoid. Instead, hang around the places they do like a dirty shirt. Talk to everyone, and most importantly, make sure they all know who you are by showing off your first-degree burns and acting like you deal anyway. It’s that pock-marked face they’ll remember, not your resume.

    All the gang members are probably good friends with each other, so you might think it’s hard to find a way into this tight-knit group. But remember, if somebody just got clipped and they have a position to be filled, they need you as much as you need them. So shoot the shit with the current members to affirm your spot as the new hot dog — you’re entitled to it. You just gotta beat out the other applicants, and with your friendships blossoming like pussy willows in shit, you’ll be sure to have a wooden leg up on anyone else who dares step foot inside your sink hole. 

    It’s important to intimidate anyone who fucks around by not only showing off your Winchester but also how quickly you can stick a pig. Come up with jokes and nicknames, it gives you a personal connection to your new friends while no one will know any better. Offer assistance and plead the second if questioned about your motives.

    If you don’t think these friendships are doing the trick, hone in on the highest up gang member’s wife and show her your butcher’s sandwich. And if you’re good in the stable, hell. There’s nothing wrong with sleeping your way to the top as long as you don’t break the bed like you did in the Moose Jaw Inn on Remembrance Day 1973, and hoped to hell the Penticton “Ernie Sawyer’s Plastics Repair” Flyers would run out of money and fold before the team would charge you for it.

    If you’ve followed all these steps correctly, chances are you’ll be a great skipper. It’s pretty much set before you even walk in the room that you’ve become a part of this tight-knit circle faster than a colt can make you bleed from your cornhole.

    Anyhoo, put on a Willie tape and get out to the mill!

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