Mental health is important, but so is the expression of negative mental health. Since bathrooms can be relieving in many ways — such as emotional ways — they can actually be a useful tool in maintaining whatever state of mental health a student is in. The following list has been compiled for the sad souls out there to express their desolate feelings in the private, organic atmosphere of a campus bathroom rather than on social media.
5. Room at the Top (RATT)
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen drunk girls crying in here a couple times, but I was also drunk at those times so the memories are fuzzy. I’m sure it works alright for the guys as well.
4. Rutherford, upper floors
Okay, these aren’t perfect because the Rutherford toilets back up sometimes and the floor can be mysteriously wet, but overall you can have a decent time crying in Rutherford library’s bathrooms. Which is great because if you’re desperately finishing an overdue essay and you’re trying to come to terms with how badly you manage time, there’s a space to indulge in your self-disappointment.
The downside here is that these are stalled washrooms, so you’ll have to interrupt your teary downward spiral if someone comes in to relieve their bowels. The upside is that after hearing them relieve your bowels, you might start to be happy your problems aren’t as intestinal as some.
3. Students’ Union Building (SUB), fourth floor
The SUB fourth floor bathrooms are great. They lock, giving you a private space of 20-square-feet. They have an acceptable level of cleanliness. You can shut the lights off and let yourself be depressed in happiness.
However, the demand for these washrooms is high. So while you’re crying and remembering all the ways you’ve fucked up over the years, probably five people will try to open the locked bathroom door because they don’t want to shit in worse bathrooms on other floors. Also, access is pretty difficult. You can get to the fourth floor by using one of SUB’s two crowded, glacial elevators, or by going up a tiny stairwell. Eek. The payoff of the journey depends on how depressed you are. Don’t go here if you’re just having one of those days.
2. Van Vliet, basement Butterdome bathrooms
Stalled washrooms tend to suck for crying, but if you have ever gone to a university that spent millions on hosting the Universidade games in 1983, you’re in luck. Check out the Butterdome. Go to the basement. Find the washroom that has so many stalls that you’d think it belongs at Roger’s Place Rexall Place (they’re a bit too tacky for a new NHL venue, but an old one, sure). Find a stall in the back and feel sad, come out when you’re done.
Because so few people use this excessively capacious washroom, you’ll probably get enough time alone to let your negative self-talk go all the way back to grade three when your mom forgot you in a grocery store, reinforcing the idea that you never mattered and never will matter to anyone, not even your parents.
1. South Academic Building (SAB), third floor
Meetings with administration can be intense. Thankfully, a lot of them happen to be on the third floor of SAB, which also houses spacious, clean, rarely-used washrooms that you can run to for solitary time to express sadness. You get one whole room to yourself (no stalls, which means no awkward walk-ins and sounds from other stall users).
Also, I heard that there’s a bunker under SAB to house university administrators if a tsunami or a meteor or something were to ever hit Edmonton. You’d probably be able to hitch a ride, survive a nuclear winter alongside the President of the University of Alberta, and then continue your depressing genetic legacy in the post-Edmonton wasteland.