In a stunning move, DC Films and Warner Bros. are currently in a massive international recall on copies of the yet to be released Wonder Woman, citing that it misrepresents the DC Extended Universe (DCEU) as an exciting, joyous, and entertaining superhero film franchise.
DC Comics CCO Geoff Johns and Warner Bros. EVP Jon Berg (the two creative minds behind the DCEU), have since apologized for not living up to angry, middle-aged fanboys’ expectations of grimdark, superficially “grown-up” comic book movies.
Johns cited that their Superman had no longer been a virtuous and optimistic symbol of hope and humanism, but a depressed and vengeful malevolent god, and Batman had jumped the shark as a fascistic gun-toting vigilante who’s utterly floored at the coincidence of similar maternal names. “In order to keep with the DCEU tradition, we’ve decided to make super-powered men and women in tights depressingly realistic and moody,” Johns later elaborated.
Chris Evans, the actor famous for his role as Captain America, is now in critical condition after laughing uncontrollably at the news. Meanwhile, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the superhero film with the shit-talking raccoon and a talking tree that says one phrase, is expected to $69 bajillion dollars at the box office and reach 234% Certified Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes.