Getaway

Medical students preparing to use K-Days as testing grounds for toxic waste upon human body

Medical students are joining forces to observe the largest mass of people in Edmonton that occurs every summer: K-Days, formerly Capital Ex, formerly Klondike Days, formerly Northlands Annual Money Harvest.

The amusement rides are big, fast, and incredibly short compared to the time waiting in line. The musical talent is mediocre to non-existent to ear-bleedingly bad. But, above all, U of A students are preparing to analyze the effects of the incredulous permutations and abominations that the numerous food trucks offer at K-Days.

“Such noxious, yet somehow edible and delicious food can provide insightful data on the human body,” said a senior researcher on the project. “We’re interested in how much shit one human being can intake when combined with vigorous stirring and shaking effects of the amusement rides.”

Food items such as deep-fried oreos and pickles, decked-out pizza slices with more layers of grease than the oil sands, and jumbo-sized cups of flavoured sugar and powdered cocaine are just a few of the many tests the researchers hope to examine this July.

The head researcher is optimistic about their observations and results, and what it could mean for the Faculty of Medicine. “With the amount of data  we obtained from watching fat, sweaty fucks chowing down reprehensible nuclear waste and surviving last year, we could foreseeably find the cure for cancer within a week.”

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