Top 5: Cults

“To cult? Or not to cult, that is the question” – Charles Manson

If you’re an average Joe, the part of the video above featuring cloaked dudes in a forest probably scares you. However, if you’re cool and want to have a fun life, the prospect of following others mindlessly into the darkness likely excites and intrigues you, and you should keep reading. If you have always wanted to join a cult, but you just had no idea which one would be the most fun, or most suited to your needs, it is your lucky day!  I have taken five wildly popular – and often controversial – cults and rated them for you! Happy culting ☺

5. Anti-Vaxxers

Did you have kids, but then you realised kids are messy and annoying and kind of the worst? Maybe that little bundle of joy turned out to be a little bundle of hell? Even though you have only known your terrible child for four months or less, are you already tired of their shit? Well, luckily for you, you can help make the life of your own child, and children everywhere worse off by joining the cult of the anti-vaxxers. It’s easy! All you need to do is simply abstain from vaccinating your little demon. You might be thinking to yourself — well vaccinations cause autism, so why would I want to prevent that in something I don’t like? Well lucky for you, that is all a conspiracy; so really not vaccinating your kid is almost a 100% guarantee that something bad will happen to them.

4. Veganism

Do you have a lot of friends that you often go out to eat with? Do you secretly hate these friends and wish you could come up with a plan to never have to hang out with them again?? Do you hate having conversations with people that aren’t arguments? Or do simply want a reason to believe that you are better than everyone? Well lucky for you, veganism exists! All you have to do is never eat any animal products again, and never shut up about it for the rest of your life. Becoming a vegan means you will likely live longer, but you can spend your longer life in solitude now that your friends don’t want to hang out with you anymore. You will also have more time to stop showering and grow out your dreadlocks.

3. Engineering

Do you like math?? Do you actually though? … For real? Why are you still lying to me, and yourself? Or maybe you just don’t posses the greatest social skills and prefer to live like this? Well engineering may just be the cult for you! This cult is unique in that the initiation process takes four-five years of terrible hazing in the form of school.  The strict rules include: always complaining that you have more classes than everyone, and are always “busier” than them. Once the initiation is completed, you go to a scary ceremony, where the cloaked overlords bestow upon you a hunk of iron to remind you not to fuck up your math and kill people. Good luck if you choose this cult!!

2. Jonestown

Have you been reading the descriptions thinking to yourself, well these cults sound okay, but I want something really badass? If you think that being in a cult where you have to actually be alive sounds really boring and cliché, then have no fear, cause Jonestown is here!  This cult is special, because you can only truly become a member if you are dead. The initiation entails poisoning yourself with cyanide. So if you are sick of everyone’s shit, and just want to escape and become fully immersed in the cult life, Jonestown just might be the perfect final destination for you.

1. Lister Dodgeball League

Are you a bro? Or maybe you’ve always wanted to be?  Are you a real world 4, but wish there was somewhere you could go, or something you could do to seem like a 9? Is your personal life motto Dukes and Dominoes… but something just feels missing?  Then the Lister Dodgeball league is the perfect cult for you! To join, you must be a resident of the University of Alberta’s infamous residence Lister Centre.  Liserites take their dodgeball very seriously, so if you are any good doing anything with balls, you are immediately welcome in this cult.  The cult has two tiers – as any good cult should – the peasants, and the all stars. All stars are hand picked to compete in a tournament to see who can drink every night for a week straight and sleep with the most peasants! Cult perks include being able to bang chicks way out of your league, immediately gaining all that confidence you never had in high school, and failing all of your midterms because they happen to be during the allstar tournament. If this all sounds amazeballs then what are you waiting for?! Go join!

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