Where can you turn when life throws a wrench into your plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos). Have questions? Send them to opinion@gateway.ualberta.ca. 

What’s your favourite acronym?

When I lived in a small town I patronized the local bar, maybe too often, and one night all of my recent exes coalesced in the pub. One ex was bartending, another ex came in with friends, and, shortly thereafter, a third ex sauntered in with her fresh boyfriend. I was boxed in. Then I felt all my exes’ villainous powers synchronize as they channeled their bitterness towards me forming a Death Star Stare Superlaser. It’s exhausting trying to drink a beer and pick a tune on the jukebox while getting visually berated.

Much later, I was noodling around on the internet and discovered this appropriate acronym for LOVE: League of Villainous Entities. I feel this particular league was formed when all my ex-girlfriends gathered together to spit venom, sharpen their claws, and slurp vodka drinks. I’ve never fared well after a break-up. And that’s the thing about encountering one’s exes — they cause a Loss of Valuable Energy.

How do I find someone to love me unconditionally?

Scienticians (intentional) are working on this as we speak and they already have a name for what their solution will be: sex robots. The thing about a sex robot is that it will love you unconditionally so long as their sex robot programming doesn’t glitch or get a computer virus. (I don’t want to know what the symptoms of a sexually transmitted computer infection are). Unconditional human love doesn’t exist as far as I’m aware, and I would be freaked out if someone other than a sex robot loved me unconditionally. So as far as finding someone/thing to love you unconditionally, I’d quit writing schleppy poetry about your love life and start learning how to solder computer chips together.

Where is the “Love Tree” in Engineering Quad? I hear it is a good place to take your beloved and give them a snuggle.

I’ve never heard of this so called “Love Tree”, and it sounds like Tinder’s version of a PokeStop. I hope Tinder stays out of the business of augmenting our reality. I can imagine what Tinder would be like if the dating app took a page out of the Pokemon Go playbook: users would be running around throwing their balls at Tinder matches. Tinder is gross and Pokemon Go is cool. Delete one and download the other, and try meeting someone playing Pokemon Go in the Engineering Quad.

I would really like to meet someone on campus. It is really hard – Edmonton people are difficult to connect with! Any tips?

There isn’t a universal social formula for meeting people and establishing meaningful connections with them; however, baked goods are never not a good idea. Try sharing a tasty treat with the person you’re horny for. If they accept your baked goods, that weird, awkward, invisible social force-field will be lowered, and you’ll be given an opportunity to talk with them. Don’t take rejection as defeat either. If they don’t want to try your banana bread, pumpkin pie might be the path to their heart.
Stay out of the bars. Google “sex robots”. Play Pokemon Go. Bake for your crush.

Image courtesy of Joshua Storie
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