Opinion General

Ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos): The one about winter

Where can you turn when life throws a wrench into your plans? Who will lend an ear, reserve all judgement, and simply listen when you’re in need of answers to life’s toughest questions? Your mom, dad, or dearest childhood friend? No. You ask Jonah (with the neck tattoos). Have questions? Send them to opinion@gateway.ualberta.ca.

What is the slipperiest place on campus?

So, I was coming out of the north-east exit of the Computing Science Centre (for kids who can’t program good and want to do other things good too) and went ass over tea kettle. My slip occurred during one of those strange, warm days in the middle of January, and there was a lot of brown, slushy and slippery snow all over campus. I was finished my CMPUT 101 lab and leaving CSC to go find lunch over in HUB. And that’s the moment when my feet let me down. I did a pseudo-emergency maneuver and landed on my hands (I didn’t want to fall backwards onto my backpack I would have squished my snacks). My hands then slipped in the brown mucky snow, and my right elbow contacted the concrete. The concrete outside of CSC is hands-down the slipperiest place on campus.      

What is with all the strange statues on campus?

Andrew “Andy” Rutherford (Alex’s younger half-brother from another mother), had the statues commissioned so that undergrads would slow their pace to look at the statues and read their plaques, thus lowering the chances of them slipping on wintery campus pathways. After the statues were installed, records showed that undergrad injuries due to slipping on campus pathways dropped by forty-two percent over two years. Andy Rutherford had a statue erected in his honour. However, Andy’s statue was removed shortly thereafter when U of A researchers required more participants who have sustained slip-induced injuries while concurrently believing in #FakeNews.

What’s the fastest way to get from Tory to ECHA?

Use cross-country skis, and don’t stop to look at the strange statues.

Winter or summer?

I like winter because it makes a fool out of everyone. The other day I’m shoveling the snow in front of my place and the neighbour from a couple doors down decides to start shoveling too. It was a solid minus twenty-one, and this guy was rocking a hoodie, no gloves, and un-tied running shoes. What a frosty fool. But I just kept to myself and my Gore-Tex pants. There have been other times that I’ve seen high school kids wearing ripped jeans who’re shivering and waiting for their bus at Century Park. If I wore ripped jeans, the tattoos on my thighs would get freeze-dried. But what really satisfies my frost-bitten heart is when I see that one guy in shorts walking around campus in the middle of winter — dude, it’s minus fucking 20 out! The Board of Governors will have to start erecting statutes in heated vestibules so that underdressed undergrads will be tricked into wandering in out of the cold.

Why does everyone feel so strongly about the PLLC?

People are grumpy because they have been shivering all winter long. Instead of defrosting with a mug of hot chocolate, their dejection becomes derision towards the Peter Lougheed Leadership College. I’ll get Andy on the phone and see about having the PLLC install a state-of-the-art hot chocolate machine. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Related Articles