The ketchup bottle theory of love

What is the love advice that I stand behind?

Get a guy who will grab you the full ketchup bottle.

Wait. What? That’s not the love advice your momma prescribed you?

Let’s set the scene, shall we?

You are at a restaurant. It’s busy. The waitress has barely even glanced at your table and you are desperately trying to just enjoy your half-cold fries. And then the ketchup bottle is just another disappointment.

You have been trying to make this bottle of ketchup work for a while. You have squeezed, coaxed “uh, come on,” but it only splatters just a bit of ketchup with each attempt or screeches some awful bowel sounds with no return. You need a guy who will run to the next table to get a new one. You need somebody who is going to remember that the poor old waitress with a name like “Deb” forgot your drink. And he should remember it without you even bringing up the forgotten beverage. While all of this may seem like just good table manners, it is a diner theory that is applicable to your love life.

And it is likely that you will go through a lot of half-empty jars in the form of people before you find somebody who is full.

Don’t stay with somebody who is only half there, or uses that god-awful phrase, “you’re my other half.” While the sentiment is sweet, the reality may be a little too true. A person who is only half full is never going to be able to give the ketchup you need to finish those fries. But trust me, you will try anyway. You will try to bargain with them, try to get them to give you more, and by the end of it all, you will have eaten half of those fries because you couldn’t wait any longer and you will end up feeling half full.

A guy who sees you struggle with that ketchup bottle and looks around for a better one, without hesitation, is a guy who understands you without needing reinforcement. He just does it. He may not be a petal throwing, fairy-tale prince but he may just be somebody who understands your needs without you spelling it out. And that type of understanding is one that everybody deserves; you just may have to look around the restaurant a few more times to find it.