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December Horoscopes

Find out what your winter break has in store

Aries

Tonight, the quiet horse will come to your window one last time. Be ready.

Cancer

If you’re careful, this may be your lucky month! Open a new door; take a moment to rest your weary hands.

Leo

A battle is raging in the celestial sphere. There has been no better time to make a baby.

Virgo

Who am I to say, really? Go ask your mother. Then come and tell me what she says. I long to hear her supple voice.

Taurus

This is not a good time to smell the roses or make big decisions. Let nature take its course and be firm in your resolve.

Pisces

The stars are shifting off axis — sell off those pernicious assets and consult a friend!

Aquarius

Venus is in alignment; beware the liberaci beams cresting the oceanic soul.

Capricorn

Don’t look now, but there’s a pestilence coming! It’s a good time to take on a hobby, like Hot Wheels.

Sagittarius

Steady is the dry docked ship. You need to let go of your inhibitions, drop some acid, and fight someone.

Libra

Solar flares this month give rise to wavering radiants! Take this opportunity to pack your bags and set out on a spontaneous road trip. Never come back here again.

Scorpio

Try drawing up a list of pros and cons the next time life throws you a curveball. You can only save one child, so make it count.

Gemini

If you listen closely, you will hear the whisper of the Gemini Rift. This is a special period in your life, but you will find one eyelash too many on the cheek of your lover.

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