President Turmip announces wall to be built on UAlberta-MacEwan border

If you’ve ever been irked by the presence of lower lifeforms on your campus, you might have to be irked no longer. At a press conference this week, President Davald Turmip unveiled a plan to build a physical wall along the northern border of the University of Alberta, intended to halt migration of students from MacEwan University.

“We are in the middle of a crisis on our northern border,” Turmip said. “The unprecedented surge of unqualified students is harming this university and I believe the steps we will take will improve things in both schools.”

Although met with skepticism, Turmip was adamant that the wall project is a serious endeavor.

“These people come up to me, they say, Davald, you don’t really mean we’re gonna build the wall, do you? And I say, absolutely we’re gonna build the wall! One hundred per cent! They go, well you don’t really mean that. I said right from the beginning, we’re gonna build the wall, gonna be a real wall, you see that ceiling up there? I mean this a wall that if you get up there you’re not coming down very easy.”

Turmip elaborated further on the particulars of the wall’s construction, which will include advanced technology and an aesthetically pleasing design.

“We will begin working on an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful northern border wall. We will use the best technology, including above and below ground sensors — that’s for the tunnels — remember that, above and below, above and below ground sensors —towers, aerial surveillance, and manpower to supplement the wall, find and dislocate tunnels, and keep out failing students.”

Turmip also criticized the current method employed in dealing with students migrating to the U of A from MacEwan, promising a harsher future policy.

“We are going to end catch and release. We catch ‘em, oh go ahead. We catch ‘em, go ahead. Under my administration, anyone who illegally crosses the border will be detained until they are removed out of our university and back to the country from which they came. And they’ll be brought great distances – we’re not dropping ‘em right across, they learned that, they’d drop ‘em across, right across, and they’d come back, and across, then when they flew ‘em to a long distance, all of a sudden that was the end. We will take them great distances, but we will take them to the country where they came from, okay?”

The U of A community has reacted with mixed feelings to the announcement of the project. Conny Ann Kellaway, a first-year premed student, cited increased competition from MacEwan students as the primary reason for her support.

“I’m tired of all these Grant Mac people coming over the river and stealing our spots in classes. I can’t tell you how annoying it is to have better, smarter, and more educated people showing up on campus all the time like they own the place. It’s making me and my 2.3 GPA look bad.”

Other students were less pleased by the prospect of a wall. According to Sandy Bern in fourth-year psychology, the construction of a wall has the potential to adversely affect the U of A.

“MacEwan students add to the academic richness and diversity of the U of A. We should be welcoming them and using them as a resource to improve the quality and status of our university, not treating them like a plague because they come from across the river.”

Estimates of how much the border wall will cost range from $1 billion at the lowest to the cost of a day of classes for the average international student at the highest. Addressing how the expensive project will be funded, Turmip stated his intention to force MacEwan University to pay out of pocket for the wall.

“We will build a great wall along the northern border. And MacEwan will pay for the wall. One hundred per cent. They don’t know it yet, but they’re gonna pay for the wall. And they’re great people, but they’re gonna pay for the wall. On day one.”

Turmp declined to comment on the recent 60,000 per cent increase in international student tuition, the reason for which was originally stated as “serving to uphold and reinforce the university’s reputation as a world-class institution.”

“We’re gonna build the wall. Some of the fake news, like The Getaway, said, ‘I don’t think Turmip wants to build the wall!’ Fake news. Fake, fake news. We need a wall.”