Getaway

U of A observatory spots cosmic horror (and it’s heading this way)

Somebody call an exorcist!

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an inescapable, colossal cosmic horror heading towards Earth.

A student at the University of Alberta observatory spotted unusual movement in what appeared to be an asteroid, but upon closer inspection found it to have unusual features. These included gargantuan eyes, titanic tentacles, and maws containing thousands of rows of teeth ready to devour worlds like a teenager with munchies. The student has now turned into a pile of goo.

“It’s kind of hard to tell what drove the kid mad,” said psychologist June G. Itho. “The cramming, the sleep deprivation, or staring directly into this abyssal monstrosity. I’d say a combination of the first two.”

Already, unusual phenomena are starting to manifest on campus: fish hybrids emerging from the North Saskatchewan River (not to be confused with the ones the biology department releases occasionally), profaned ruins being excavated at the End of the World (not to be confused with the Fine Arts Building), and ghastly wails emanating from the deep within the libraries (often confused with the despaired wails from people actually trying to study there).

“We are born by the GPA, made men by the GPA, undone by the GPA. Our brains have yet to open,” the ominous, mad voices whisper. “Fear the low GPA. By GUBA, fear it.”

The Getaway attempted to make contact with the incoming astral abomination for a comprehensive interview, but sadly we were not able to publish its response as our team was turned into a collection of crustaceans. Regardless, they will be expected to do their exams next week.

“Still less scary than telling your parents what you got on your finals,” observed a colleague.

The cult religion of Week of Welcome (WoW) is planning a series of ritual sacrifices fun student events to raise spirits of the dead. Failing that, they will attempt to awaken the other occult god sleeping beneath the Earth and Atmospheric Sciences Building instead.

“Born of the void, it dies in the earth!” yelled Raf Love, a WoW team facilitator, shortly before a distinct earthquake rumbled across campus as it landed a crit. “Many fall in the face of chaos; but not this one, not today! These nightmarish creatures can be felled! They can be beaten!”

Regardless of the outcome, I for one welcome our new galactic overlord, and I hope you too welcome it into your body, mind, and soul.

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