BREAKING: SpaceX has just launched me into orbit

The day I have been praying for has arrived. SpaceX put me on a rocket and just launched me into space.

Two words: fucking finally.

At last, I am 36,000 kilometers away from Earth and all its bullshit. Finals? Not happening in space. Family gatherings? I don’t think so. Global warming? Political upheaval? My bus never arriving on time? Sayonara, losers — none of that shit matters when I’m falling around the Earth at breakneck speeds and watching the chaos from above.

I will stay in my oasis of metal and glass, eating freeze dried food and watching the world burn. I look down upon this wretched planet in this insignificant solar system and laugh. The rest of you only wish you could be so lucky.

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