Un-bear-able chaos erupted on campus last week when the Board of Governors decided to take funds received from an anonymous donor and put it towards the purchase of 200 live bears.
“We just thought fuck it, y’know?” said a member of the Board who chose to remain anonymous. “The U of A doesn’t got a lot going for it and we thought, y’know, if we can’t have the best scientists or the best facilities or effective governance of any kind, we might as well have the most bears. We probably have the most bears in the country, in the WORLD. Suck it, Calgary.”
Early Monday morning, trucks arrived and released the bears into Main Quad. The following is a transcription of the event reported live by our staff reporter, Paddington:
“Looks like the truckers are opening their trailers now. Why are they running? What is tha- oh my God it’s bears. So many bears. Oh god oh shit what are they doing in there? Why are they so angry? They’re charging students walking through the area now. This looks really bad. They just keep coming. God help us why are there so many bea-”
Mysteriously, the transcript ends there. The Getaway is currently looking into what may have caused us to lose connection with our reporter.
Students were able to hide inside most faculty buildings, until a first year student allowed one of the bears inside.
“I didn’t want to be rude,” Fozzi Beare tearfully stated following the incident. “I thought it was just a fourth year who hadn’t shaved. I never realized they would learn to hold the door for one another. I never meant for them to take over SUB.”
In order to stave off the furry invasion, some students engaged in physical battle with the bears. Numerous student lives and four bears were lost to the struggle. We now take a moment of silence to remember the souls of those poor, poor bears.
A few days after the initial relase, the BearTracks site was found to be operating at 500 per cent efficiency and had received a stylish makeover.
“It’s really no question it was the bears; they’re the only ones who would care enough to fix the site,” said Winnie Pu, a third year computing science student. “Considering the original website was designed by a team of rabid squirrels, it just makes sense the bears were able to improve on it. They’re just higher on the evolutionary scale.”
Yogi Berra, renowned baseball player and bear enthusiast, had this to say about the event: “It’s a well known fact that if humans hadn’t evolved from monkeys, they would have evolved from bears. Maybe these bears will learn something going to college, who knows? One of those bears could be an up and coming big league baseball player, or a leading scientist in bearology, or maybe even the next president of the U of A!”
According to Bera, “Only one thing’s for sure though: you got a lotta bears.”