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Burlap Sack: You want a truck

Of course you want a truck, don’t be stupid. Not only will women want to leave their husband and his Corolla, but your dick is guaranteed to grow a whole 25 per cent bigger. Even though you’ll pay hundreds of dollars for a boxliner you never use (you’d never dare actually carry something in your truck), you can’t put a price on boosting your manhood.

Once you’ve spent another thousand dollars on your six-inch lift kit (another 10 per cent boost in penile girth), you can put on your enormous mud tires. Even though you drive exclusively on paved roads, the enormous reduction in your gas mileage will undoubtedly be mitigated by the way you feel. As you choo-choo your 6.7 Turbo Diesel down Whyte Ave, smoke pouring from the exhaust stacks you paid a few hundred extra dollars, you can rest easy knowing polar bears nor hybrids are any match for you and your ever-unused towing capacity.

Chevy has it right. You want a truck. Why wouldn’t you want people to find you more handsome, tougher, and altogether more manly? If you really think about it, a compact just won’t do it — you want a truck.

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