The Burlap Sack: Animal love-making

Spring is in the air, and the campus green spaces have been invaded by a lewd display of nature’s smut show. The furry inhabitants of our campus have been enjoying this season of love with excessive public displays of affection. With their lush coats transitioning from white to brown, the carrot-loving critters on campus have taken the phrase “fucking like rabbits” to an all too literal level. Squirrels have been prizing their nuts in these times of wildlife seduction.

This spring fever has even spread to the skies above campus. Just today, I witnessed a magpie straight up shitting on people from its nest outside Tory lecture. Does the graceful wildlife of this campus have no shame? Have they not the decency to find a seedy motel, empty classroom, or burned-out school bus like the rest of us?

The drama of daytime television continues to play out unchecked on the University’s sod rolls and mulch pits.

There’s no doubt the lack of vehicles on campus have lulled these carnal creatures into a false sense of security where people are non-existent bystanders. Some shaming of this behaviour may be in order, but my efforts were fruitless: loud gasps and tuts seem to only startle squirrels in heat and only elicit quizzical looks from mounted rabbits. That jackass magpie continued throwing shit too, so I’m actually inclined to just ride this out until this horniness blows over and little jackass magpie babies start stealing my hair again.