Winter driving in Edmonton is a drag

As I drive on Edmonton’s snowy roads, drinking my holiday latte from Starbucks and blasting Christmas music from 92.5 Fresh FM while trying to match Mariah Carey’s dog-whistle high-pitched notes in All I Want for Christmas is You, I can’t help but embody the Christmas spirit of giving and feel overcome with joy and happiness.

Edmonton drivers might not have the best reputation, but this Christmas I’m willing to overlook your imperfections. That’s right, nothing can bring me down this holiday season, not even fellow drivers flipping me off.

This December, if you don’t want to signal before changing lanes, it’s okay. I like surprises on the road, they keep me alert. And if you don’t want to shoulder check before veering into my lane, don’t even worry. That’s what I’m here for: to be your eyes and ears when you’re too lazy to use them yourself.

I try to be a considerate driver on the road, but I never expect the same thing in return. If my lane ends, don’t worry about leaving room for me. I like the challenge of staying in that far right-hand lane until the last possible second.

If traffic is dense or at a standstill and I let you into my lane, don’t wave, or acknowledge that I went out of my way to let you in. And if the reverse happens, and I’m signaling desperately to get into your lane, don’t let me in. In fact, speed up to teach me a lesson. It’s my fault for not getting into the proper lane sooner. It’s okay friend, I’ll go the long way.

If I’m behind you turning left and you don’t proceed into the intersection at a green light, it’s okay. Take your time, proceed when you’re ready. On the other hand, if you’re turning left at an intersection, please keep the line of cars going and turn on every colour: advance arrow, green, amber, or red. You carpe diem the fuck out of that intersection.

Finally, if you want to take two stalls in a parking lot because you need more room for your 2006 Toyota Corolla, you do it. And if you’re like the train that thought he could, you better try to fit your Ford F150 with a lift kit into that tight squeeze of a stall.

So this December, you do you. And don’t let anyone bring you down.