Hey pal, learn to do a better job fucking

Gentleman, I am speaking on behalf of women as a certified muff muncher (bisexual) and the proud owner of the elusive vagina, you guys are the primary group in need of being taught how to do a better job in the sack. I’m sure some of you will already be up in arms ready to defend your bed game honour. However, instead of jumping the gun for once maybe take some notes so the next time you get a gal in your Star Wars bedspread you can really wow her. FYI to my gal pals out there, don’t get so smug either. Some of you could learn a thing or two as well.

It’s pretty disappointing hearing from my fellow females that they had to fake an orgasm, or that their significant other/one nightstand did a three-day-old backed up toilet at Taco Bell quality job at pleasing their lady parts. Don’t get me wrong, I know the vulva and vagina can be a complicated and sometimes frightening appendage of the female body. However, that doesn’t mean you should skimp around at pleasing it, because attached to that cooch is a person with feelings who deserves to climax too. And if you do a good job fucking, it’s likely that individual may continue wanting to fuck you.

The elusive G-Spot exists, it is not some unicorn, ask any random girl who has touched a pussy (literally all of them) they will confirm that yes, the G-Spot is a real thing. That little love patch located roughly two to three inches on the front wall of the vagina should be your number one target when fingering or fucking. Take advantage of  that spot every chance you get as it should make her eyes roll back pretty fast. Basically, stabbing her with your fingers like you would when your shitty iPhone crashes is the opposite of a good job. Instead, do a “come here” motion it works, I promise. While you’re at it, keep your nails trimmed. There’s no need for her to feel like you’re attempting to claw her open from the inside out all Alien vs. Predator chest-bursting style.

Secondly, sorry but not sorry to stomp on your ego, boys, but sometimes your dick just won’t cut it. The vast majority of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. That means you guys need to learn to find and use the clitoris appropriately. Rub in circular motions with some pressure, but do not do the disk jockey bullshit pornstars do; no girl actually likes their clit rubbed like Aladdin’s lamp. There’s no reason not to ask for a little direction or help during your sexual escapade, especially when it comes to the clit. That little pleasure bean should be your number one best friend, holy grail, lord and saviour. Bless it by treating it right and the lady will return the favour, guaranteed.

Third, while this may be a more personal preference, most women I know agree that one orgasm might not cut it. Us vagina owners are lucky beings as we possess the ability to obtain multiple orgasms. However, this means to achieve such glory, our sexual partner must put in some serious effort in pleasuring us. Especially if there happens to be the unfortunate event that you climax before we even reach our first orgasm. I think it was Plato who once said, “It is not over till the woman has a mind-fucking-blowing orgasm.” Sex doesn’t have to end just because you finished. Seriously just think about your partner too, otherwise you’re basically blue-balling her if you don’t help her finish as well.

In general a good rule of thumb is to learn the basics of the female pleasure zones. Which definitely means that us ladies should do some personal exploration. How can we tell our partners what we like when we do not already know? Then open the doors of communication with your partners so all parties involved can learn from each other what one another like. That notion works for all people regardless of gender. If you want to get better a bed game score then talk about likes, dislikes, and ask for directions. There’s no shame in asking a sexual partner “hey, how do you like to bone,” because surprise-surprise not everyone likes all the same things or techniques. As sexually active individuals, it’s important that our sexual partners (that goes for you too girls) not only get themselves off but actually put effort into getting us off as well. Nobody likes a partner who just lies there like a dead log. So it’s time we start putting some real work into achieving the elusive “big O.” If that means teaching a sexual partner some new tricks, bringing a toy into the bedroom, or doing some self-love with our lady bits so be it.

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