Getaway

Make It Confessionals

As the newly elected Board of Governors Representative, and current Vice-President (Emp Fest), Tike Sandpaper plans to install a confessional in SUB over the summer.

“Confess your sins to me,” Sandpaper said.

Sandpaper plans to take a summer course in Theology, which he said will prepare him to collect students’ confessions. The confessional will be housed in the secret underground tunnel under SUB.

“I want the confessional to have an intimidating feel,” he said. “The underground tunnel is as close to Hell as we can get in SUB, that’s where you’re going if you don’t confess to me.”

Sandpaper said he will take detailed notes of students’ deepest, darkest secrets and read them out at Board of Governors meetings.

“I want our governors to know what being a student is really like,” he said. “I want them to know how fucked up we are.”

Sandpaper expects a lot of student interest in his new project.

“I’ve already had students come up to me around campus and try to tell me about the illicit substances they did over the weekend,” he said. “I just say, ‘Save it for the confessional!’”

They will also be added to the Facebook group University of Alberta Confessions.

Planning to build the black box by hand, Sandpaper expects to be finished construction by the end of August.

“I’m putting my own blood, sweat, and tears into this project,” he said. “I already got a sliver.”

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