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Brew Crew: Miller Lite

Miller Lite
Price: 32.99 / 15-pack (Liquor Depot)

You’re trapped at your cousin’s wedding and you’ve got to drink beer to make it through the evening. It’s a rural wedding, so your choices are light beer or poorly mixed rye and cokes. While the garbage of Bud Light and Coors Light are tempting, it’s Miller (Lite) time.

I realize one’s reservations about light beer. The main one is that it “tastes like piss,” as my brother once eloquently explained the taste, and frankly, he’s not exactly wrong. What he and many others don’t realize, however, is not all beers are created equal. Some are WAY better than others and you’ve got to know what you’re looking for. Light beers are perfect if you need to drink a lot in a short amount of time. Miller Lite stands on the upper echelons of palatable, and highly drinkable, light beers of the market. Before you write off light beers entirely, consider this:

Say you just watch the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode “The Gang Beats Bogs.” The plot more or less consists of the characters attempting to match the alleged record of 70 beers drank by Baseball Legend Wade Boggs over a cross country flight. Now say after watching this episode, you tell your friends that on your 21st birthday that you’re going to try and beat Boggs. You know there’s no other way to do it than to not only drink light beers, but good ones. You head to the liquor store because “It’s Miller time, boys,” and you need to be well stocked if you’re going to achieve this legendary record.  I blacked out around beer ten but, according to my friends and the beer counter shirt I passed out in, I made it to 16 beers by the end of night. While close to my own record, the only way I was in the running for the Boggs’ record was because of Miller Lite. I will be forever grateful for that.

Light beers don’t give you hangovers. This is a scientifically proven, anecdotal, fact. I knew a man who pounded back 12 Miller Lites and woke up “feeling better than most mornings.” Miller Lite will allow you to binge drink until your liver’s content and wake up to no heath consequences.  At my cousin’s wedding, I crushed 19 light beers and woke up the next morning feeling relatively fine. While everyone else was wallowing in a pain only known to hard alcohol, I felt ready to face the 10-hour drive back to Edmonton that day.

I’m not saying Miller Lite’s a great beer. Hell, I wouldn’t even call it a good beer. All I’m saying is that it’s drinkable and on a night of binge drinking, is there anything better?

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