Getaway

Top 5: Uses for a Pizza Cone

There's surprisingly a lot of good uses for something that barely resembles food

You may have heard of this not-quite-hipster, not-quite-plebeian, but not-pretty-enough-for-Pinterest hybrid food. Here are the top five uses a pizza cone is good for.

Honourable mention: Buttplug

Actually, never mind. That sounds like an awful idea.*

*Not like I can stop you now that the idea’s out there.

1. Door wedge

Nothing like a wedge in the crack* to keep a door open. Just shove the cone beneath your door to prop it open. You could even stand the cone on its base to keep it squished between the door and the frame.

*You’re thinking about the buttplug thing, aren’t you? I’m telling you, it wouldn’t turn out well. Don’t do it.

2. Party hats

Imagine this: you throw a good ol’ birthday party because you can’t afford to go out and have fun. You have a few decorations and pizza cones for the food. After your guests attempt some nibbling on them, they can wear them on their heads if they don’t appreciate the attempt at pizza. Ta-da, you save money on party supplies!

3. Baiting the ants in your HUB apartment

You’re so desperate to get rid of the ants at this point that you’ll try anything. Armed with all the pest-killing supplies you’ll need, you leave out a pizza cone. And wait. Eventually, the colony has gathered to marvel over the edible cone-shaped obelisk. You kill them all while they’re there. The queen is next.

4. Art 

Haven’t you heard from the art students? Everything is art! Grab some cones for your Gothic revival-resurrection-ye olde-apocalyptic-whateverfuckarchitecture castle made entirely out of pizza (how you’re supposed to make the pizza walls for this thing is irrelevant). Hang them in your windowsill – aesthetic! Squeeze the grease and sauce onto canvas. The possibilities are endless.

5. Sneak attack

You gather several to enact either a fun prank or some cold revenge. Your target is walking ahead of you, unaware of your presence as you sneak up. You start pelting them with pizza cones. They pause in confusion at the strange hybrid pizza and ponder over who would want to eat such a thing. Now is your chance. You smash a cone into them, point first. Finish them.

Remember, if it sounds like The Getaway is encouraging you to waste food and money, you can always buy yourself a decent actual slice of pizza.

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