Hate living? Sue your parents for giving birth to you!

Are you a nihilist? Do you hate your parents? Well, I’ve got a solution for you: take this guy’s example and sue your parents for giving birth to you.

Raphael Samuel is a 27-year-old antinatalist, which means he believes it’s morally wrong to have children in this modern dumpster-fire of an earth. Because of this, he wants to sue his parents for bringing him into existence without his consent. Although, I’m not sure what he would want as an alternative. Did he expect scientists to invent new technology to communicate with his father’s sperm to obtain his permission? Even so, did he expect them to interview the potential 1.2 BILLION swimmers and ask every single one if they’d like to be born? I bet they would’ve all said yes anyway.

One of his main gripes is that he supposedly hates the idea of respecting his elders, which is traditional in his home country of India. The authority-hating, emo 15-year-old version of me is championing this guy because existence is, like, painful man — but the adult part of me says he should suck it up and make a meme page like every other nihilist grown-up.

Actually, he does have a Facebook page called Nihilanand, which is meant to be serious (I think) but comes across sort of like a meme page. The page has 4.2 thousand likes, and is mostly filled with pictures of Samuel in a fake beard under captions like “a good parent puts the child above it’s wants and needs, but the child itself is a want of the parent #ParentsAreHyprocrites”. Wow. #Deep.

A trial date hasn’t been set yet, and it’s unclear whether Samuel has actually contacted any lawyers about this issue. If the case indeed makes it to a courtroom, however unlikely it may be, I imagine the proceedings will go something like this:

Judge: So let me get this straight… you want to sue your parents for creating you without your consent?

Samuel: That is correct.

Judge: And just how do you think they would have obtained your consent, Mr. Samuel?

Samuel: They couldn’t have, so they shouldn’t have had me at all. They had children for their own pleasure.

Judge: Do you realize that even your ability to stand in this courtroom is due to the fact that they did?

Samuel: Yes, but I wish I weren’t standing here.

Judge: Alright, well then I see no need to drag this out. You have one of two options: I can dismiss this case, or you can take whatever settlement I give you. Which would you prefer?

Samuel: I’ll take the settlement.

Judge: Okay Mr. Samuel, since your existence is such a burden to you, I sentence you to immediate assisted suicide, leaving all of your assets to your parents so that they have help with the funeral costs. After all, they never asked for you to die.

Samuel: No! I want some kind of cash settlement, why would I want to die?

Judge: I guess existence really isn’t that painful then. Case dismissed.

Samuel is later seen crying outside the courthouse, posting on his Facebook page: #TheLegalSystemIsAJoke

In conclusion, Raphael Samuel is either a god-tier nihilist or the 27-year-old version of my eighth-grade self, though the second option seems more likely. Either way, I hope his parents countersue. #Didn’tAskToBirthAnEdgyNeckbeard

Payton Ferguson

Payton Ferguson is a second-year English major by day, 2019-20 Opinion Editor for The Gateway by night (and also day). She enjoys long walks to the fridge, writing until her wrists ache, and bombarding social media with pictures of her chihuahuas.

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