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The Gateway reacts to: Live-action Sonic the Hedgehog

All names have been changed to protect us from almighty Sonic’s wrath.


Feeling Seen [12:10 PM]
Okay, here’s what we’re dealing with.

Seen too Much [12:11 PM]
I love how ppl expect this movie to actually sell Nike shoes

Seen too Little [12:11 PM]
His body looks too human

Seen too Much [12:11 PM]
It’s a fursona

Feeling Seen [12:11 PM]
Who will sell more Nike, Sonic or Kaepernick? Who knows

Seen too Little [12:12 PM]
is his human-ish body supposed to be arousing? cause it’s failing to do that for me

Feeling Seen [12:12 PM]
I mean, it’s canon that Sonic had a romantic entanglement with a human woman, so….

Seen too Much [12:12 PM]
He looks like a reject from the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
and ewww never mention Sonic 06

Seen too Little [12:13 PM]
Also, he’s supposed to have one giant eyeball; why does he have two separate eyeballs wtf

Seen too Much [12:14 PM]
Someone get him to an optomitrist
Also, are his hands white??????
like…. someone get him some gloves

Seen too Little [12:16 PM]
this is a bastardization of everything sonic is supposed to be
he’s supposed to be a potbelly boy who loves chilli dogs
he’s way too fit for this shit

Feeling Seen [12:18 PM]
he looks like he was an ordinary hedgehog who rolled in a vat of blue hair dye and got stretched out by a medieval torture device

Seen too Much [12:18 PM]
What if that’s the plot of the movie?

Feeling Seen [12:18 PM]
OH No

Seen too Little [12:18 PM]
the human proportions combined with the spiky hair gives me wicked dragon ball z vibes
sonic’s power level is OVER 9000

Seen too Much [12:19 PM]

Feeling Seen [12:20 PM]
He looks like he should be played by Ryan Reynolds, I’m getting those vibes

Seen too Much [12:20 PM]
This makes Detective Pikachu look more appealing than it is

Feeling Seen [12:21 PM]
V tru
but that, alas, is the world we live in

Seen too Much [12:21 PM]
it looks like it wants to be Detective Pikachu, but is failing to do so

Seen too Little [12:23 PM]
imagine him running up to you at supersonic speed and saying “Gonna cry? Gonna piss your pants? Maybe? Maybe shit and cum?”

Feeling Seen [12:26 PM]
Yeah man, that happens in Sonic Adventure 2

Seen too Little [12:26 PM]
chaos
CONTROL
imagine what shadow would look like
in the sequel
would he wear a leather jacket

Feeling Seen [12:27 PM]
oh god
i’m imagining Shadow played by, like, Stellan Skarsgaard

Seen too Much [12:28 PM]
mind you: before this, Sonic was involved with a promotional campaign with Hooters

Seen too Little [12:29 PM]
pics or it didn’t happen

Seen too Much [12:30 PM]

Feeling Seen [12:30 PM]
Sonic is lost
He is lost, lost at sea

Seen too Much [12:30 PM]
Lost to capitalism

Seen too Little [12:30 PM]
Lost to soulless corporations shelling out his IP

Seen too Much [12:30 PM]
First Hooters, now Nike

Feeling Seen [12:31 PM]
Sonic lore went from wholesome island adventure to high-concept dark fantasy sci-fi in a decade

Seen too Much [12:31 PM]
At least Jim Carrey will be in it

Feeling Seen [12:31 PM]
C A N CO N T E N T

Seen too Much [12:33 PM]
I can’t wait to put this in the same bin as the Super Mario Bros live-action movie

Feeling Seen [12:35 PM]
Rest in peace, Sonic, and may the world be kinder to your descendants

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