Getaway

U of A paleontologist discovers the last time the Oilers were good

The international paleontology community was shaken last week when researchers from the University of Alberta made a landmark discovery.

While looking for any kind of proof the Oilers were a half decent team at one point, paleontology student Brad Diggsdurt was combing through the archive of fossil records at the university. It was here that he made a discovery that would change the lives of all three remaining Oilers fans in Alberta.

As the St. Albert-born paleontologist commented, ″Well, my buddy was fuckin’ beaking me about the Oilers losing all the time, so I said ‘Fuck, bud, the Flyers aren’t anything to jizz your pants over either!’ And that’s when I threw him in a snowbank..and decided to prove him wrong. Next thing you know I find this fuckin’ beaut.″

Diggsdurt uncovered the last time the Oilers were actually good. A true beaut indeed. Professors of paleontology at the U of A date the discovery back to the late Cretaceous period, approximately 66 million years ago when fucking dinosaurs still roamed the Earth. These records are so old, they can essentially act as new form of fossil fuel because they don’t call them the ‘Oilers’ for nothing.

Professor Oilstan of the paleontology department told The Getaway, “In my professional opinion, this relic came from a time when the Oilers could play defence, and score some goddamn goals.”

These records of when the Oilers were actually good will continue to be studied for analytical purposes, and then possibly handed over to Oilers’ head coach Ken Mitchcock, because the man is desperate for any kind of cheat sheet.

When asked if the discovery ignited any hope for the Oilers’ future in the NHL, Diggsdurt only stared wistfully off into the rain covered window, saying “We’ve got McJesus… any day now, boys.”

Leave a Reply

Related Articles